Twas the morn of endo

Twas the morning of endo

And all through the house

Not a creature was stirring

Not even a louse.

The kind buried deep inside

The caverns of thy bowel

Who knows what’s it’s name

To be extricated via trowel.

I digress to my gardening

Terms instead of “incision”

For to bear more pain, discomfort

Is not something I can envision.

So to sleep, aye to dream

Via chemistry or exhaustion lo

We soon will have answers

Perhaps by time of ho, ho, ho!

Will this be a blessing

In disguise as gone before

Suffering giving birth to hope

We shall pray as inside goes the scope.

For H. Pylori messes the axis

Of the gut with the brain

And causes problems like mine:

Seizures on top of stomach pain.

Could this be the work of the Lord,

The prayers at once coming true?

Oh heck at least the deep snooze

Will be sweet on this Tues.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

The question we simply don’t need to ask.

The question that I simply don’t need to ask again, yet have wasted too many moments wondering, is the one posed in this song by the Shirelles.  Oh and Dionne Warwick.  And maybe Amy Winehouse too.  Such a classic song!

Each time I wind up in the Emergency Room, I wonder if my beloved will still love me the next day.  This morning he referred to yesterday evening as “another date night!”  Unbelievable.  All this love continues after about 16 trips to the ER in the past 7 years.  I am humbled and blessed beyond measure.

This blessing is hard to see sometimes when my body is breaking down in a new way once again.  Looks like an ulcer in the lower part of my stomach is the reason for a month of abdominal pain.  Over-the-counter and walk-in clinic medications did not solve the problem.  So after a CT scan under the influence of anti-allergy drugs and some more potent medication, I am in less pain . . . but oh so worn out.  I’ll see a gastroenterologist this coming week with an endoscopy likely to follow.  Going to try to keep my stress level low in the meantime.  I mean I don’t have any other of the risk factors that contribute to an ulcer (e.g. spicy foods, caffeine, alcohol) unless of course there’s a hidden H. pylori infection.  So more testing is needed to figure this one out.

The other “love” that could be easy to question is that of my Heavenly Father.  But I don’t.  I look around and see tremendous blessings in my life in that I have a warm home in which to convalesce, enough food and clothing, and finances for the important stuff.  My beloved is faithful and loving like “Jesus with skin on.”  What I don’t understand is how these illnesses isolate me from friends and family outside of our home and most notably, my husband’s adult children. 

My extreme sensitivities continue and are triggered by the fragrant products they (and many folks) tend to use.  We are just not sure how to manage this reactivity with our Christmas gatherings rapidly approaching.  We already had to decline having both daughters stay with us (which was a delight to host them in years gone by).  A trial of having his oldest stay with us for about a week 2 months ago, despite extreme precautions, triggered a violent relapse in the convulsive episodes.  I am now sensitized to even trace amounts of fragrance on her coat that was kept in a suitcase in our garage in between scheduled visits.  Then I had a seizure spike 2 days ago when she returned from some travels to pick up her suitcase . . .

My heart is breaking from more than the loss of acquaintances and friendships:  my relationships with my husband’s children never really got going.  Steve and I have been married for 11 years and I got sick just 4 years into our marriage.  I have been battling a serious illness for most of our marriage!  You could say that my limited visits with his adult children gave them more time to adjust to the fact that their father is remarried.  Well, o.k. maybe that’s it.  I already sensed that I needed to lie low during their visits in the beginning anyways, focusing on serving them good food and comforts and not speaking up too much nor complaining when their Dad jumped to see them, rescue them when the trials of young adulthood came along.  No problem.  Fix the car?  Pick them up at the bus stop?  Join them at church?  I just had to stay home due to illness factors and couldn’t go with their Dad to help them, that’s all.

They don’t really know me either though.  We profess the courteous “love” greetings yet would I ever really see them again if something happened to their Dad?  Oh dear, I should not even go there.  I now realize that this barrier between us is completely out of my hands.  Remember when I sent along baked goods with Steve for when he visited his family in Arkansas without me 2 weeks ago?  Yes, I need to rest in the hope that what I could do has been done as unto the Lord.   My Jesus and my beloved know my heart.  They hold together the parts in me that are breaking and the inner tears.  And the Lord also holds me in tender moments like these right now.

I need to know that your love.  Is a love I can be sure of.  So tell me know so I won’t ask again.  Will you still love me tomorrow?

Yes, for sure.  JJ

Jeremiah, 31:3, everlasting, love, doubting, Christ's, Lord's, faithfulness,what He thinks of me, endurance, love through the trials

In a far-off land the LORD will manifest himself to them. He will say to them, ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love. That is why I have continued to be faithful to you.’

River Bear Racing stops by …

If you like to get on the water to paddle around, River Bear Racing knows how to make it ultra fun!  Lightweight layups, state-of-the-art rudder and bailer systems, comfy life jackets and carbon-fiber paddles DO make a difference.  An older paddler exerts less effort to load and pull the boat through the water with the design features of Stellar kayaks, surf skiis, and paddle boards.  The competitive racer on the other hand goes really, really fast!

You’re only as good as your gear, right?  Absolutely!

Enjoy the new look and feel of River Bear Racing.  And tell Steve that Julie sent you, k? 

Just Julie (aka “The Kayaking Widow!”)

The Gray Beast

Half a ton carries a lot

So we are set should I ever have the need,

At least until next week

When my puddle jumper returns.

The deer’s fate I have no knowledge

Except that Bambi got flung into the darkness

Certainly more shook up than I was

That night headed to the shop for an oil change.

Surprised me how attached I’d become

To my guy-ish version of wheels

Once from the land of the subcompact

And originally that of motor heads.

You just can’t beat having a truck

When you’ve got a load of stuff to haul

‘Cause you’re only as good as your dirt

So I craft it like a 7-layer salad in June.

That manual tranny Frontier of my Dad’s

Got me hooked after he passed his on to us

That 4 on the floor got reincarnated

Sitting high, left foot free, cruising on down the road.

I guess she’s enough for me in a 4 x 4

Kinda basic as today’s beasts go

With room for the pup in the King Cab

Now that’s motoring ‘specially with a trailer in tow.

But alas the “21” has work needed too

A little recall to reinforce the tongue

Looks like soon all our wheels will be super duper

Even my beloved’s tires are new!

Thank you Lord for the Gray Beast

Although we never really bonded, it’s true

Since you smelled like a cheap hotel

Just like that song ’bout lovin’ in a Chevy van?

Tee hee.  Or more like that Chevy commercial, you rock too!  JJ

2018 Chevy Silverado: Like a rock!

It’s just not the same thing

good, bad, perspective, Christian, surrender, letting go, in Christ

Dinner out with family celebrating from 3 states or an Asian wrap alone at the messy table where you finally were allowed to finish your holiday activities with some kids . . .

A rental car authorized by your insurance company while the truck gets repaired from the deer or a silver beast machine that at least doesn’t reek like a fleabag hotel . . .

An upset stomach that lingered for weeks or a working diagnosis of a peptic ulcer that reveals that the stress was more than just a little of late . . .

A cold sore that just happens from time to time or a flare of wretched shingles caught in the beginning stages, THANK GOD . . .

The stuff of life making a rough landing all at the same time or a financial train wreck in the making as Christmas gift-giving rapidly approaches . . .

Tears of frustration from “not good enough” criticism in a new editing role giving way to compliments from out of no where just 3 months later . . .

Doubts of your acceptance in community volunteer roles with new folks who don’t know your history to appreciation for being part of the team . . .

Missing my husband dearly as he is away travelling to the non-starter reunion when having to practice extreme mold avoidance still . . .

Tears of grief from so very much loss shaking my fragile frame to the bone to a slow recovery days later with a few convulsive spikes here and there . . .

Powerlessness to minister to my brother who suffers post-stroke much greater than I to finally figuring out something I can send him to really help . . .

I really could go on.  It’s just not the same thing when things really do go from bad to worse and you wish you had not feared for the worst because things can really go either way . . . and sometimes they actually go better than expected.  It’s all a matter of perspective in the end, right?  Ugh.  Clearly I am witnessing both phenomenon.  Really makes for uncertain living, I tell ya.

So what shall I do?  To stay in the moment as best I can is what I shall do.  Nap when I can’t concentrate anymore.  Pet the pup for more than a moment ’cause she likes it too.  Do something nice for my beloved Steve.  Move my Bible to that more secluded spot where I can spend time with the Lord without as many distractions.  Dwell and pray, pray and dwell in the presence of my Heavenly Father Who can lift my spirits above that which troubles me each day.  I have given myself over to worldly worries and it is not the same thing as giving it all over to Him.  I surrender.  I don’t know what got broken that I landed here but at least this one I do know how to fix.  Lord willing, things will get better!  JJ