Start at the point of exasperation

When you reach the end of your rope then a new one must come forth

‘Cause everyone needs a hand to hold onto sometimes.

When all you can see is a dark web of experience, a broken road underfoot

Then we must cling to a crossbar strong enough to last forever.

When your body is broken, unreliable, and shaking with ravages of illness

There is no reason not to grab a hold of something eternal, transcendent, permanent, sublime.

When the pain begins as your eyes open and close each day, each night

Trust that these are a consequence of our fallen world, not your curse tender child.

When hopes get dashed over and over and over and over again

Re-examine what you are hoping for . . . the journey is alas, laced with gold.

When “challenges” plague you that would dwarf the average soul next door

Walk your own path with eyes fixed on your Maker Who is holding your heart.

When all hope is gone it is actually the perfect time Gentle Reader

To cling to our risen Christ, borne from an old rugged Cross, waiting in earnest to love you through it all.

When one day the suffering ends and your exasperation is but ashes on the dirty ground

Know that to finish well, not pretty or neat, is its own just reward. We’ve got this. He’s got us. And all will be made well.

Isaiah, 41:13, Lord holding us, take heart, trials, illness, disease, suffering, tragedy, Christian, Jesus, hope, enduring, reward

More arrows pointing at a target

Seems like there are more arrows pointing at the same target this time, but will the archer get it right? You know, the one in the white coat with the big degrees, fancy knowledge, and ticking watch?

doctor, stethoscope, diagnosis, pancreatic cyst, EUS, endoscopy ultrasound, insulinoma

Too bad that it was me and not one of them that pointed out that the pancreatic cyst mentioned on the CT report still needed some kind of follow-up! But maybe it’s alright that things happened in the order in which they did? At least my 32 year relationship with thyroid medication has ended and removed one more factor in an equally puzzling dance with hypoglycemia.

Peripheral neuropathy, heart disease, hypoglycemia, insulin resistance, pain, nausea, and a pancreatic cyst were all written down but no one put them together in the same story until I brought the report to my Doctor on September 11th. Let’s add daily seizure attacks for 7 1/2 years shall we? You know, the ones that we recently discovered can go away sometimes with a blast of sugar? The glucose monitor doesn’t scream answers yet as to why this occurs and how to manage it, try as I do, but some other labs are finally leaving clues.

An MRI and MRCP are behind me and an endoscopy ultrasound (EUS) shall commence but not a 72-hour fasting blood test (used to diagnose a particular type of pancreatic mass associated with hypoglycemia). Oh well. We opted for the local specialist to evaluate me but he only does the former test not the latter. I just hope it wasn’t a mistake NOT to return to the Mayo Clinic and the Pancreatic Clinic this past week. Travelling there is a big deal and trying to get home after procedures is a bear dontcha know.

I’ll try not to ruminate about the potential for pancreatic cancer and hope that this miraculous little finding is ordained by God for a time such as this, to point the new “archer” to a cure for my worst symptom. Who knew that these days when you have hypoglycemia they look for a cause? Decades ago the medical folks just had me eat small meals of particular food combinations; “it may or may not turn into diabetes someday” they said. Similarly I have seen just this year how medical treatment protocols change! Yes, thyroid nodules have not been treated with medication since the protocol changed in 1986! The researcher of that study turned out to be my endocrinologist at Mayo Clinic in March, starting me out on a plan of action that ultimately calmed my fried nerves, weakening bones!

Keep your eye on the ball I keep telling myself. One step at a time: live around the nausea, pain, and increasingly unpredictable convulsive episodes. Figure out what to eat. Cancel plans with your husband and stay home where it’s safe. Yuck! Venture out when you can regardless of how you feel. Keep up with the IV fluids every 2 weeks and take 2 cherries before bed in case the sugar spike prevents the episodes that meet you there every night. Then try to sleep knowing that the tempest beast who has ravaged your neck and back and head thousands of times before is lurking before you fitfully pass out by morning . . .

This hell. The joy is gone. And yet as I have stated to myself before in the words of Moody Church pastor Erwin Luitzer, “when going through hell, don’t stop.” Count your blessings including some new ones here at home; embrace your beloved hubby dear who loves you so. Dwell in the presence of your Savior. Reach out to friends in Christ. Talk to Jesus . . . He is here right now, back there, and out there too.

Twelve more days will have passed and chemically-induced rest for the EUS will be here soon enough. You got this! JJ

The art of waiting

I should probably have gotten this together by now

But I have not. No I haven’t. I do try alright.

I’m just not that good at waiting.

Nearly sick with worry, I got the MRI results that confirmed

The CT scans I’d already had times two this year

But it almost didn’t happen; I’m still not right.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s how to navigate

The healthcare system from the inside and out

This skill has helped some in this scenario.

The more important skill alas is not a skill at all:

The one that rests in the wings of my Father

And simply dwells, dwells, dwells.

Gratefully too, there are many bottles lying around

Such that when a flare results from dining out

I can deal with it within a couple of hours!

This is really hard, Gentle Reader. Some big decisions definitely loom

The horizon goes so many different ways at distances unknown

Testing everything we’ve done to date to get me well.

So just like when my beloved prepares to take to the skies

We’ll pre-flight the treatment and file some kind of plan

With prayer even if it takes all night.

The large bird of prey knows her strengths, she soars

But even she must stop to rebuild, to prepare

For the journey is open-ended alright.

Some labs decline diabetes while others bring suspicion alright

Of a serious disease, the kind that can kill you

If you don’t get it right.

At least the cyst appears compartmentalized and operable

To remove it seems the right thing to me

The scope to come is the first step.

No, I’m not ready to wrote prose yet, my thoughts too fragmented

Just know that I don’t want to die should it be a dreaded cancer

There’s more living to do just like our date last night.

Thank you Steve.

JJ Update

Bed bound, all of this beautiful day today.
Food is often triggering convulsive episodes so we are examining blood sugar issues with diet refinements and testing.
Had to take a steroid today to stop episodes; bad for me due to osteoporosis.
Having MRI workup in 6 days of a pancreatic cyst. It was identified 9 MONTHS AGO AND LOST IN THE FOLLOW-UP when diagnosed with hiatal hernia at that time. I found it when filing some of my medical records.
Nausea is lower after stopping a supplement that was reducing the episodes. Hard to choose between blood sugar stabilization with an unexpected side benefit of reducing episodes (with Biocidin) and the nausea it magnified. I went for less nausea hoping to figure out interim strategies to address blood sugar.
Waiting to be scheduled with an interventional gastroenterology specialist who happens to be the director of a large hospital cancer center here. One of the best in the Midwest.
Probably looking at an endoscopy ultrasound procedure thereafter; lab workup has started.
Hungry again . . . Afraid to eat.
Have volunteer responsibilities now and concerned about meeting them.

Please pray. This could be a new course of care that leads to a cure for my worst symptom. Or cancer. Holy cow! Having severe spiritual attacks.

Leaning on the Lord . . . Pic is from a better day 2 weeks ago. Our God reigns! And Yay God for that sweet evening with my hero, Steve!

Peomenade Park, Fort Wayne, IN
September 2, 2019

The Sauna I Once Loved

Like an old lover that must fade into the background of new life

My sauna must go forth to its new owner, leaving me FIR behind.

She needs it to arrest the cancer in her own body and that of her Mom,

Imagine that: a generational curse that threatens the life between them.

I am happy to pass to them this box of promise, of hope

Bringing them much relief as the toxins melt away with the wavelengths of light.

As for me I am melancholy this day, this night

For I thought I would fare better for the investment therein.

The last of my inheritance was spent the year the Sunlighten entered our home

Hopeful with the promise of a cure from what all ailed me at the time: at first, it was great.

The warmth was undeniable especially on cold Indiana nights

When nothing else would do . . . no nothing else at all.

But did it help purge the alleged chronic Lyme embedded deep within

The bacterium, the viruses, the fungal creatures claimed on imperfect tests?

I may never know as the onslaught hath continued from the rigors of this life

From living in a fallen world hell-bent on our demise, our redemption one day for us all.

Just don’t see how this tool that I once loved, held so much promise

Is worth holding onto longer when all it collects is dust in our living room now.

So onto the next thing I shall be: from the consult of last week to the specialist to come

When in the meantime I know it’s the Lord that is my Great Physician and yours:

The object of my greatest love indeed.

SOLD!!!