Coming out of the fog

I just might be coming out of the fog

As I hit the 5 year mark of shroudedness

When some bugs in greenish water back then

Everyday put me under severe, daily duress.

I could sell you a book of

Five hundred blogs and two links

With tales of woe then and now that’ve

Filled webpages as I tried to keep on my “think.”

This forum here, now with you this Autumn night

Kept me sane so the cells in my brain did not go to mush;

While firing wacky-backwards without ceasing at times

For waaaaaay toooo long without hope of a rest with a cush.

Looking back, looking forward

And thinking it over some more,

I see da light coming through darkness:

The kind that stays and covers all.

Tis healing that’s on the brink to stay

If I but finish the course with everything

It takes what it takes and it ain’t over they say

And they’re right, “until the fat lady sings!”

Now I ain’t too fat or that big into musical things

There’s more dirt under my fingernails than bylines

Bits o’ gardening, sewing, medical cooking fills the

Hours not counting Heparin and saline syringes.

No matter anyways, anyhoo, anyhow

It’s just the way it went, the road less travelled by

I will be stronger for it in the end they say (and they know)

In due time, Gentle Reader, with the Lord we’ll one day know why.

JJ

Julie Horney, Lyme disease, get well, recovery, healing, gratitude, end of the road, end of the journey, smiling, woman, park, Rogers-Lakewood

Resting with mask in hand by a scummy lake here in Indiana!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tales of kayaking and canoeing

My husband, Steve, loves to write tall tales of his racing adventures here in northern Indiana.  There are at least 7 races in the United States Canoe Association circuit here:  more if the rivers aren’t too low from a draught, too fast from flooding, or too rough from the winds on Lake Michigan!  The paddlers are marathon racers who love to go fast over 9 or more miles in a sea kayak, surf ski, 1-4 person racing canoe, outrigger canoe, downriver kayak, or “unlimited” boat.  Things can get dicey at times on and off the water as each sizes up the competition and conditions on race day . . . but they always go home as friends, ready for a re-match on another day.

Here’s a link to the Race Reports at River Bear Racing.  Going fast can be a lot of fun for spectators like me too.

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My River Bear leads the charge around the buoy turn in our OC-1

Goooooooo Steeeeeve!

 

https://riverbearracing.com/paddling-tales/

Vampire Diaries 5

The night cometh calmly then burst into flames

Carrying violence within my fame rather than that intended for rest

Sleep yet so elusive:  its nemesis pushes through the darkness

Leaving me quite empty, without a trace from where it came, no rhyme or reason to blame.

How can I go on?  Asks the Benadryl box to the other remedy he found;

When will she learn to give in or give up and let the beast win whether or not I am around?

The behemoth within begs as if breathing a hell all its own into my frame

Taunting perhaps by demons, images more frightening than a horror flick not ever seen.

“None of that matters oh sweet one writhing in My care

This season shall pass, I assure you, if you but hold on one more day

For all you have is this breath and this scene set before you but

Be wise tender child for your torment shall not go unrewarded in due time.”

“But when?  But why?  Have I not earned a better place in your heart?

Have I not earned the way home sans suffering?  Is it not yet enough?”

I have no answers for you just one request my chosen child full of grace:

That you trust me beyond anything you can imagine for infinity is where I am.

I love you most in the silence, the seizing of your heart really being remade anew,

The breaths that I hold rather than you, the nightmares that will become beautiful, I promise.

And then He spoke no more.  No more salve for my breaking outer shell

I was left more alone than one can ever feel:  seeing nothing ahead but His light up ahead.

Get up and start to move was all I could do with an emptiness burdening my mind

There would be no relief this night in the realm of the world around me, all that which is seen.

The relief came in my heart as I chose to yet still believe

That my Lord still loves me and always has no matter what it seems.

The refining fire has sent grief, with tears actually covering me from being consumed

So that one day I will know all the answers that I seek, when all is revealed.

Until then, Gentle Reader, these Vampire Diaries shall end

No need to rehash the trauma in a new form for don’t you “get it” by now

Or do you?  Do you see that suffering is not the place we should ultimately land

For it is in our hearts, in our spirits that we shall one day live in a world without end.

He hath prepared a place for us in which to dwell in exquisite grandeur

No weeping, no sorrow, no gnashing of teeth nor any trials will follow you:

The pain will be over.  He will lead me in goodness this way  I do believe too.

My God hath not forsaken me but saved me no less.

There will be hope beyond the cross as He hath said.

Know that He is with us always (now and forever) so carry on my dear friend

Wait just a little longer.  Can you do that for me as I will too til the end.

Oh how I love thinking of our jubilation together that glorious day coming soon He hath said!

With love, JJ

Ecclesiastes, 3:11, beautiful, in His time, waiting on the Lord, patience, waiting, burdens, trials, God, Lord, Jesus, trust, Christian, answers

 

Vampire Diaries 4

 

medical mistakes, cell phone, overdose, cause of death, vampire diaries, doctor

How many lives do I have left?

The cat might ask after a near-miss,

Such is my ponderings this night

As yet another disaster was thwarted.

They sent me meds altered in color

In different bags than I had known

An infusion today would have doubled the dose

And sent me aloft to never-never land.

I caught it at once (albeit rattling my cage!)

Quickly they offered to cover their tracks

Shall I trust them once more this time, alas

They have made less grievous errors before . . .

Feels like the night I saw the angels came

Surely life is marked for more than this (?)

The suffering has been great despite the holiday

With less beatings today (yeah) guess my brain’s awake.

Carry on as this life drones with the beast chronic Lyme

Drugs, pills, tinctures, creams, shots, IVs, diets,

Saunas, flushes, therapies, back crackers, tests

The list goes on as the procured money bags yet drain.

I guess it’s all meant to be like this alright, eh?

When hazy is the road hanging onto my Lord’s cloak

Hoping for an infusion of, well, hope not more strife

I cry, “thank you Jesus for Your Divine grace once again.”

Maybe soon may we get in a little more playtime than this?  JJ

 

Lift me up my Lord

Psalm-23 4

Lift me up my Lord, my King!

Don’t leave me here alone forgone

I am dying inside as one they have abandoned

Despite my attempts to serve, to obey, decaying inside all the while.

There is no reserve

To bring to life anymore

The light left me long ago when wretched darkness

Became the friend I never wanted and never invited to stay.

The desperation drips with tears

The emptiness has no where left for an infill

The days blur meaninglessly from one to the next

The prayers still go unanswered by the God who has always known best.

Grant me some goodness

Oh Lord of my heart, my King

I’m drowning here with no-nowhere left

To Google, to turn, to ask, to keep me going ’til the day You will speak.

Have I not done the things that are set

The ones I thought you showed me to do?

Yet the suffering ramps louder than my screams with each seize

Take me from this hell please oh Master of my heart.  Isn’t it my time?

waiting, wanting, scripture, Bible, patience, trust, suffering, His will

Humbly, I will wait.  JJ