Well soon it will be just me and my Lord here to navigate the varied waters of life for about a week. Steve will be traveling and I feel:
Sad. I long to get away and see friends and family too.
Hurt. This journey of illness has gone on way too long at a level way too challenging.
Scared. What if I can’t get out of bed and get what I need?
Worried. Will I have enough good moments to get up and take care of myself?
Curious. How will the Lord use this for His purposes, His glory, and to return as my Heavenly Husband as He did when I was single and in need just 6 years ago.
Trusting. He has provided for me before in ways that actually exceeded my needs, in His good timing, with His good grace.
Loved. My extended family was here earlier this week and poured out their love and affection right before facing this upcoming week alone.
Cared for. My husband completed many house projects these past 2 days and 2 weekends, and trusts in the Lord and the good graces of others to be there for me when he cannot. He was willing to reschedule this trip. In the end, I decided to be brave.
Brave. Heading into unknown waters once again usually strengthens me at some point.
Empty. Breathing. Living in the moment. Open. Ready. Unwell. Submitted. Humble. Expectant. Filled with wonder. Questioning. Accepting. And reminiscent of how these kinds of situations always had some sweetness in the past . . .
About six years ago I was very alone in my 3rd floor condo, unable to move due to excruciating back pain. I was single and off from work due to an injury, then fired. Workers’ Compensation was cut off and I had very little savings. I did not know how I was going to make it through the next month or how I could possibly return to any type of work unless my back got better. My mom was in another State, weakening from lung cancer.
It was Thanksgiving weekend and my mom had fallen and broken her pelvis the week before. She would not be able to travel to see me nor I travel to see her. My only surviving brother would be taking care of her at her home in Michigan. I was living in the Chicago suburbs amongst millions of people yet very alone. Most of my friends and my church was 45 minutes from my home. No one would be coming to get me for Thanksgiving dinner since I couldn’t tolerate sitting in the car to make that trip either. So I decided to do a juice fast to try to boost my capacity for healing and overall health. Yeah, instead of gorging on food like everyone else does Thanksgiving day or shopping on Black Friday, I would be weak from vegetable juicing, citrus flushes, and herbal cleanses. Might as well fast; I would be alone anyways and able to focus on the tasks at hand without interruption.
By Saturday night I was very weak. I didn’t have a T.V. remote that worked so I lain on the floor on a mattress pad in front of the T.V. with only local channels. There was nothing meaningful to watch and the worship CDs weren’t cutting it anymore. In the quiet I did not know what to do. I planned to re-introduce whole organic foods the next night yet was committed to making it one more day through the juice fast. Sleep doesn’t come easy when you are hungry for real food! I wondered if I should make some more juice? Should I try to sleep? Should I just stare at the ceiling some more? My condo sure was pretty and for that I was grateful. I talked to the Lord all night long.
I decided to channel surf one more time, looking for a sign or something of interest. At 11:30 at night on a holiday weekend, maybe there would be something decent on the tube even at this hour. So what do you think I found? What would the Lord put on late night television just for me? Would it be about turkey leftover recipes or worse and tempt me to break my fast? How could anything console me in the middle of the night? Well I found it on public television. Right there on WGN:
A telethon fundraiser on colon cleansing!
What? On a foodie holiday weekend? Fundraising by promoting colon cleansing DVDs? Yes! Right there on public television was a show just for me. Then they played it twice! I watched both segments then went to bed. I slept like a baby. The next day I finished my fast and life went on, getting stronger every day. Early in the new year I was offered a new job and by Thanksgiving of 2007, I would be moving to Indiana to marry my dreamy Steve. Wow.
God is good. All the time. God is good. Don’t believe it? Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will guide your paths.
That’s Proverbs 3:5-6. Believe in Him. He is worthy of your trust and He cares for each of us, every detail of our lives.
Me and my Lord. In the middle of the night in the year 2006 as it is right now in 2012. In the daytime and always. I love you Lord. Thank you for everything.