The Burger on the Bathroom Floor

Sometimes there’s a bride carried in the front door at the same time there’s another bride carried out the back door . . .

Hi there.  My name is Julie and I have a wacky life.  Not that my life has ever been boring, mind you.  Lots of difficult things have kept me on my toes (or on my knees before the Lord) for a good portion of my days on this earth.  I used to say it was like cooking with all of the burners on the stove cranked up to the highest setting.  Then there was this network marketing book entitled, Mach 1 with your hair on fire that described things pretty well for me too.  Helen Keller wrote in her book The Open Door, “Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all.”  O.K.  You get the picture.  There is no rest for the weary so get over it, get on with it, and better get right with Jesus to see you through!

So what’s up with the burger on the bathroom floor, you ask?  Balancing my blood sugar is a key part of managing this crazy biotoxin illness that came on the heels of Lyme disease that came in through the backdoor of fibromyalgia many years ago.  Actually hypoglycemia came first followed by hypothyroidism, fibro, yada, yada, yada.  This all requires me to carry a protein snack and water with me virtually everywhere I go.  Popcorn doesn’t cut it very long.  I cheat sometimes with fatty veggie chips when grocery shopping only to follow-up with a chunk of lunchmeat from one of those ziplock bags from the deli counter usually at a stoplight when driving home.  Whatever.  Who needs a knife and fork anyways?

Dressed up for the wedding of my husband’s son yesterday and our friends’ son today, I opted for the bigger black leather purse (to match my shoes of course and the only other purse I own).  I could stash a butternut squash coconut muffin, some coconut cream, and a burger-lettuce roll-up secured in a Ziploc baggie in there and look like all of the rest of the women with maybe a little extra, er, baggage, if you know what I mean.  Who would know that I could survive an invasion of body snatchers for at least a day with no more than a twinge of hunger when it was all over?  I would be ready.  Unfortunately I did not plan on a wardrobe malfunction (a term coined in the USA after an egregious moment by Janet Jackson during the Super Bowl Half Time Show a few years ago.  I won’t go into it here).  Or rather a leather purse malfunction.  I barely made it through my own snafu with my dignity!

The D.J.s were cranking up the music at the Light Guard Armory to add some ambiance to the large plain, cinder-block walled room with metal doors pained beige to match and linoleum flooring that had been waxed for more years than I have seen the light of day.  The host families had done their best to decorate the place with table adornments inspired by nature and set up a simple, yet respectable snack table for later munching.  I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to eat any of it (can you say M&Ms and Reeses Pieces for dessert?) so I settled into the scene comfortable with the stash in my purse.  Surely the burger was o.k. unrefrigerated for a couple of hours.  The only problem was that I was getting very hungry!

What’s a gal to do waiting with all of the other guests for the wedding party to arrive, dressed up in her Sunday best with low blood sugar looming and a burger in her purse?  Well I learned a long time ago that if you need a moment of solace you can always escape to the bathroom.  No one usually questions your actions in there!  It’s a little different story, however, if you are a gal since gals tend to chat while tinkling, primping, washing their hands, and adjusting their bra straps not necessarily in that order! How do you fit in whipping out a burger in your purse?  Answer:  you don’t.

The next level of defense is to squirrel away in a bathroom stall, quietly unwrap the nourishment of choice, and snatch a few bites while crouched between the open areas on either side of the door.  If someone “accidentally” sees you wiping your fanny through the crack by the hinge it’s o.k. but eating in there?  EWWWWWW!  No way!  But who really cares anyways if you haven’t used the toilet just moments before and the place is clean.  I mean my hands were clean.  Oh yes, and one must make sure that no one else has camped there in the past hour either, if you know what I mean!  Once you have your sequencing down, you can hide your medical self care in this way if you so choose just like a diabetic might do the same when administering insulin in a public place.  Sometimes it’s just better to take care of it in the one private place to which you can always retreat.

I did not count on what happened next.  I was one large bite from finishing my life-giving, 1/2 burger wrapped in Romaine lettuce with a wedge of coconut spread when the burger went tumbling onto the floor.  Oh my goodness!  Not my precious sustenance!  Suddenly I became acutely aware of how really wrong it is to bring food into a bathroom.  Then trying to eat it there even in secret no longer seemed like a good idea.  Years of preserving my sense of social graces came to a screeeeeeching halt!  There’s a burger rolling on the bathroom floor and it came from my direction! 

Of course I did not count on what happened next either.  Just then I heard what seemed like a gaggle of women entering the restroom.  Holy crap!  (Pun might be intended here.)  In a flash I made a dash to pick up the chunk o’ meat, rinse it off in the sink, hide it in my hand, murmur something like, “excuse me my stuff is in there,” and retreat back into the stall with whatever style and grace I could preserve in my moment of horror.  How could I ever have explained a burger rolling on the floor?  Never mind.  Nothing came to mind.  I stuffed the once delectable beef/bison griller into the open piece of Saran wrap in my purse and zipped it closed.  Snack time was over.  I would have to survive on the bites consumed thus far.  I thought I would be o.k. with that so I walked “looking normal” out of the stall to wash my hands then leave.  The two unsuspecting witnesses left with their curious glances, having never stopped their conversation during their porcelain activities.  Cool beans.  I was now in the clear and free to leave as well.

Sigh.  Some things in life are strange at times.  You just gotta do what you gotta do and laugh about it if you possibly can.  Gentle Reader:  the next time you grab a burger off the grill try not to think of me munching somewhere in a bathroom stall, k?  It just might change your appetite a bit.  If you do try adding some more spicy mustard and you will be fine.  I promise.  JJ

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