Some disappointments this past week have reminded me of the importance of handling “loss” well. Change is a certainty in this life and many of us have had more than our share of both the voluntary and involuntary fare. Change often means letting go of something or someone we cherish. For the Christian we can view change as part of becoming more like Christ, maturing in our faith, and working out the details of our lives with the Lord. It is necessary! And all too often it doesn’t feel well though.
Here are 5 changes that came in rapid-fire succession for me lately:
- A counselor that I have been seeing to handle the grief of this serious biotoxin illness I’m dealing with, suddenly discharged me from her care. A week ago Tuesday I had a major seizure attack episode in her office and had to leave abruptly. The episode went on while standing outside the front door to her office then continued as I struggled to get back into my truck. An hour and a half later I was able to leave to return home. She checked on me multiple times during the event and even called me a few times to discuss our next appointment. Until that day she had been opening the window in her office for me to increase air circulation before our starting time. When she did not do so until I was about to walk into her office (on a rainy, humid afternoon), the scented “warming candle” residuals, soil aerosols from her live plant, and possible contaminants embedded in the office carpeting were too much for me. She is now unwilling to meet me in a nearby library conference room since her driving time simply would not be reimbursable, won’t fit into her busy schedule. So for now it’s bye bye Julie.
- For the third year in a row I had to miss my husband’s United States Canoe Association Nationals due to illness. I am sad. I love watching Steve compete in his surf ski (racing kayak) and missed both of his races including the exciting trial class event with our outrigger canoe. It sounds like there was a photo finish as he crossed the finish line and I was not there to take it all in or take pictures. Sigh. We love taking road trips together. Even if we could have afforded the expense of travelling together, I cannot tolerate the fragrances of hotel rooms, conditions of camping, or the unknowns of renting a travel trailer. Such is life with Multiple Chemical Sensitivity and Chronic Inflammatory Response Syndrome! I stayed home with our German shepherd pup in our “safe home.” Parts of the two full days were actually better by the way: I got to dig in the dirt of a new garden bed. The second day was terrifying however with two, severe, hour-long episodes while home alone. My Jesus saw me through when I thought I would stop breathing. I did not. My husband needed this time away. Besides, having someone stay with me or check on me in the end dangerously increases risks to my health. We made tough choices indeed.
- I realize that the isolation that accompanies this illness is killing my spirit. I sense my social skills eroding. Sitting in my truck in a cemetery adjacent to a Garden Walk event on Saturday, I nearly panicked because I was late and there were cicadas plunking my windshield as I tried to wrap up a phone call with Steve! I had not talked to anyone but my dog for 24 hours so I was glad for his call. However, I had felt awkward and alone getting ready. And I know that these were just feelings. The evening out went fine with barely a few tic zips, enjoyment of select entrees, and meeting some really nice fellow gardeners. It’s just that the social part of my life is so unnatural, absent, and different now. Just like when I went through a divorce, lots of people have left my life once again. Reaching out has been tough when it’s so complicated just to get together. I will keep trying though. I have to . . .
- An occupational therapy (O.T.) recruiter for an agency for whom I used to do contract work called me TWICE this past week! I guess they really needed someone! Oh how I miss working. Last night I did the equivalent of 4 hours of (free!) continuing education credits for my O.T. license, inspired perhaps by the phone call earlier. Maybe someday there will be an equivalent at-home professional job that I can do that will utilize my skills. Just gotta get rid of some daily seizure attack episodes first, eh? Today they lasted most of the day. My “job” was to take a shower and make dinner. Done. Don’t need an App to keep track of this kind of schedule, I tell ya! Sish.
- Most of the time my worship is in isolation. For a long time I looked to my husband to try and fix this one for me. Why wasn’t he trying to find a church for us in a newer building that wasn’t water damaged? My criticism of him and “our” church goes on from here; it is not good. I have tried to fill the void with a read-the-Bible-in-a-year App, Christian radio talk shows, following various ministries via email or Facebook, interacting with other believers via the same, and continuous prayer throughout the day including praying with Steve. But I crave real Christian fellowship. I crave Women’s Bible Study. There wasn’t even an outdoor baptismal service with our church this year and the annual hot dog roast will be a “no” in October due to the noxious exposures from the campfire. (The smoke was hell for me last year.) My heart is breaking on this one. I know the Lord sees it too. I trust Him. Just today I got the sense that I may need to reach out a little more and not wait for someone else to fix it. I contacted our “Encouragement Ministry” leader about starting something with others who are home bound and I am waiting to hear back from her. Hopefully it will be soon!
While we could discuss the solution to these problems the more important point here right now is that I know that each of these will bring goodness in due time. I have realized the promise of the Lord “restoring the years the locusts had eaten” (Joel 2:25) after my life fell apart in 2003. Joy returned and reminders of it are all around me. I have chosen to write about these things in hopes that you will pray alongside me for the Lord’s will and redeeming grace for these recent losses. Perhaps you, too, have loved and lost much while enduring all kinds of trials. Please let me know about them and I will pray for you.
Gentle Reader: we are to stand firm on the foundation of our faith in Jesus Christ who will:
- Make all things new. (Revelation 21:5)
- Direct our paths. (Proverbs 3:5-6)
- Extend His love, compassions, and faithfulness in newness every morning. (Lamentations 3:22-23)
- Remember us in our low estate with love that endures forever. (Psalm 136:23)
- Reward us for our faithfulness. (Matthew 6)
- Bless those who are good stewards of time, talents, and resources. (Luke 16 & Matthew 25)
And so much more. I am encouraged. My Jesus sits on the throne of my life and the throne of grace. He will make beauty from the ashes (Isaiah 61) which are the losses that characterize living a full life here with Him as our Lord and Savior. I trust His Word on this and hope that you will too. Let us rejoice with great expectation for the goodness to come!
10 I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.