Where to go from here?

More testing, more phone calls

Why did I ask for preliminary results?

Wouldn’t you knowing my next appointment was so far away?

Two hours of seizing.  Every day now.  Of course I asked!

Sigh.

Full report due next week.

The findings of acute toxoplasmosis will be clarified.

Will PCR or the summary mean more antibiotics

To challenge my innards, still reeling from IVs last year?

I cried when I should have been glad

To know there was something there after all —

The test will cost over a grand

And we have no idea what insurance will do.

So for now I wait.

The specialty lab is delivering on time

Hoping the Lab Director talks to my Doc

And none too soon . . .

Hold me Jesus.

Taking Turns

He needs me not but benefits just the same

And I am there to fill his tummy, help out at river races.

Then the nights return with my special kind of hell

And he brings me this or that to get the ravages of illness to stop.

Both are love in their simplest forms:

Meant to serve, to go beyond what is comfortable to desires of the heart.

Oh that my end could be gentler, the wretchedness, the pain

Making the care less traumatic between seemingly timed screams for hours on end.

But that is not our story at least for this season of life

(We define our bond in sickness and in health)

In moments at edges of the extreme . . . for over five years now.

We are weary from the journey with bodies broken with fatigue

Where only the Holy Spirit can infuse us with grace to carry us through the nights and days.

So when those pundits talk formulas of 50-50 or equations of sort

Plunge them into our caldron and see how the overflow of energies exceeds the common core.

Marriage is simply the art of taking turns without keeping score

The Heavenly Father sees the man, the woman and makes you what you are:

Instruments of His hands, ministers of His peace

Care that makes love come alive, pictures of His glory.

One day we will know why

 

 

kayak, canoe, racing, paddling, awards, ceremony, St. Joe River, Fort Wayne, competition, C2, Stellar, Steve Horney

Steve on the right, congratulating C2 Aluminum Canoe paddlers George and Tilman during awards the Three Rivers Fest 7.15.17

this all came about

In the meantime I will take my turn when it comes

And serve my beloved for a purpose beyond . . .

JJ

Into the clearing

When a calming washes over me with which I am unfamiliar

I wonder if it could be here to stay?  Oh my merciful Lord, please!

The headache barely whimpers anymore and her pain cousin screams less

Making me wonder if something real is happening:  “is it live or Memorex?”

Napping fills my afternoons, pill counting still dominates my days, overnights

With fewer medical appointments I can listen to my own body better

And experiment with all that I have learned, all my Great Physician has taught.

Some little sewing projects have kept me going through this stage of recovery

I’ll share it with you if I ever get them done with scraps of stuff from here and there,

Just like life isn’t it when putting pieces together then ripping out the crooked ones?

Maybe someday it will look pretty or be useful somehow . . . until then my Maker “sows.”

What will I reap when the seizures finally stop?  Will life become filled with color and smiles?

Alas until then, Gentle One, watch this space with me for I am hopeful again, not as bad,

Yes at last, I am hopeful again.  JJ

We Will be Fine

The plot thickens, my angst flares

Why more nasties when hope came near?

I thought we had it, the Doc and I

But my body freaked out putting me in arrears.

Three infections at once

With more at bay for now

Is much to address

Each in it’s own particular way.

Many calls at night

Hubby running here and there

He is so tired as I

Writhing on the sectional in despair.

Call it die-off

Whatever you may

Take this binder and that

With another remedy in the fray.

I have no idea

If I will ever catch up

The beasts within me win

Or do they?  It is not yet clear.

My eyes are burning

My tummy aching with nausea

The pain is less, hoo-rah!

Unbelievable at a time like this.

So what will I do

To get through another day?

Cancel everything again

Sit tight and hold on as we go this way.

Rougher than most healing

The prize won’t be for wimps,

We elite patients stand strong

In the arms of our Lord holding us up.

Keep your eye on the prize

Solve the problems that arise

One day all will be gone

For in heaven we will be fine!

Rev 21:4, Revelation, no more tears, no more weeping, little girl, hope, trials, scripture, coping, help, suffering

 

Time to focus

Sick and tired of being the same

I digress into another rant . . . or shall I?

Would that honor the Lord who has sustained

Delivered me from near-death and brought me to you?

Oh if there could just be a happy ending already my dear

Would I still angst over my words or lightly dance over the keys?

These are questions that will not be answered this night or even the next

As my beloved returns home to my side from his travels, refreshed from lack o’ drama.

I must find some joy to carry me out of this funk for the path to recovery is becoming clearer

Glimpses of what may be come through the struggles amuck and late night appointments with my Doctor who works too much.

But is it more than I, just wanting to be well?  I think not for the rewards for victims are slim:  our fellowship better not be tainted by our woes!

Would you and I be friends if it weren’t for our life paths diverted?  Probably not so let’s not spend time there, just trust we were meant to be here now.

And I thank you for carrying me when I could not stand, liking my words when their worth eluded me in the dim of night, listening when most were asleep.

It is time to focus on the prize coming into view:  this possible final leg of the race that will take all my strength as Mr. Herx clears the debris that soured my inner places.

I might just win.  This life season just might end.  Stay tuned, Gentle Reader.  Please pray and I will do the same.  Of course you know me all too well:  I’ll be sure to letcha know…  JJ

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