Inside my heart

If a heart weeps for all that is gone

Must it place value in only that left behind?

If a moment in time is all that we have together

Will you remember me when your last breath reminds you there is none left?

If a baby bunny can nourish itself from my well-tendered garden intended for me

Could the disease inside of me eat away at my strength til there is none left to redeem?

Yeah that last one doesn’t encourage me much so I better stop right there.  I’m struggling to make sense of the 12 hours of seizure attacks that ended yesterday.  Periodic re-occurrences continued of course leaving me afraid to go to bed whenever I got brave enough to go to bed.  Wretchedness with writhing, head-banging, moaning, and more greet me in the first stages of “sleep” every night.  Make sense out of that one!  These episodes make me suspicious of anything that might trigger them.  Inside my heart I am angry,  I am hurt.  I am exasperated.  I am . . .

I am in need of renewal inside and out.  Where are you Lord?  Fill my spirit with your unending grace.  Please make your presence known such that I might endure, recover from this hell.  I submit to You my king.  There is none like You.  For your glory.  Amen.  JJ


Bears Rule

Bears solve problems

Yes:  bears do solve some kinds of problems!  While in the comic strip above it appears that sometimes they can cause them too, this is not the case with a “bear” I happen to know personally.  I just picked this cartoon because it has a furry creature in it of the grizzly variety.  The one of which I am particularly fond is my River Bear:  my beloved Steve!  He’s my hero and an amazing athlete too (cycling and kayaking).

Steve in his Mohican surf ski at the 2013 Wildcat Creek Race
Steve in his Mohican surf ski at the 2013 Wildcat Creek Race

I am grateful to the Lord to be blessed with a man after the Lord’s own heart, smart, respected, handsome, personable, athletic, and loved by many especially his four children.  He is my kinsman redeemer:  the one whom the Lord provided as my husband, my intended beloved for the rest of my days.  Steve has risen to the challenge of helping me through some very ugly aspects of a biotoxin illness.  Amazingly while he feels for my suffering it never seems to affect his love and care for me.  Sure he may be tired from staying up late with the wretched episodes but I never feel any less loved.  His care and confidence in me never changes.  His devotion transcends our situation.  He is my Jesus with skin on for sure and I am exceedingly grateful.

I love you Steve.  And I thank you Lord for your incredible blessing in my Stevers.  Lead him and protect him, grant him wisdom and your grace as he fulfills the call you have placed in his life.  Strengthen him, sustain him, and help him to continue to shine for your glory.  In Jesus name, amen.