On the Cusp of Many Changes

Here’s a post from last week when I almost didn’t know where to put my focus at any given moment.  Maybe it’s time for a brain dump, prayer, and some quiet before the mayhem?

Inside

The bout of pneumonia is largely past now with occasional coughing spells and nasal rinses to get me through the occasional flare-ups.  Unfortunately this illness has exacerbated the seizure attacks when trying to go to sleep.  It is definitely time for an adjustment to my specialized dental appliances however the trip to go see my Craniomandibular Specialist got cancelled due to the pneumonia.  Oh well, the fact that it has been raining in Florida virtually every day for the last few weeks including a tropical storm this week makes me glad we were not camping in all that mess.  Ever camp and travel in hot, muggy, wet conditions with a large dog?  Yeah, it would have been a moldy, muddy mess for sure!

Outside

We are in the process of selling our Livin Lite Camplite 16 DB that has served us well for the past 4 years.  We very likely will need to accommodate one or more family members during some upcoming travel so we are pursuing the financing of a more suitable travel trailer.  This is a week of finalizing the sale of our “Tin Can Ranch” and the purchase of the new unit, Lord willing, requiring many tasks and 2 long days of travel:  one day this past weekend to scope out the new travel trailer and another day soon to go pick it up.  Travelling a total of 4 days to my medical appointments in Florida was out of the question yet 2 shorter trips over the period of a week was more doable yet very tiring.  No problemmo.  My beloved River Bear is a skilled “bus driver” too!   The cancellation of medical and other appointments this past week (because we were supposed to be out of town!) has allowed for plenty of time for rest-n-naps!  Hopefully the new owner of the 16 DB will be able to solve her delays soon as well.

Things got crazy when late Sunday night in the middle of the Memorial Day weekend we found the perfect travel trailer and price point for our situation!  Within 24 hours of the posting of the listing and us finding it, we were on the road and ultimately making an offer.  Do you think that the Lord cares about the special thingies of our lives?  I submit to you that He does.  The morning of Memorial Day that we were scrambling to take a day-long road trip to see the travel trailer, Steve sold a performance surf ski for his River Bear Racing!  We delivered it to a gentleman along the shores of Lake Erie then headed south to check out the new Camplite.  A week later it was in our driveway!  However, the timing of this transition has found us with TWO travel trailers, much paperwork, a couple of trips to the Bureau of Motor Vehicles, yada, yada, yada.   We are a little nervous but trusting the Lord that things will also be resolved in time for our first camping trip in June . . .

Family

Looks like my family member in Florida will be visiting us for most of the month of July.  It’s still a month away yet many travel arrangements and accommodations are needed to both get her here and have her in our home.  Steve and I still must practice extreme avoidance procedures (changing clothes and showering when coming home from being away) which is tough on an older family member who needs care.  We will make as many preparations as we can before she leaves her home (in a moldy State), have initial provisions for her when she arrives, and hope for the best that her clothing can be sanitized and de-fragranced so she can travel and visit with us in July.  She has many fears, concerns, demands, yet is asking to come.  That is kind of weird since she has traveled with virtually no care just a few months ago and did alright.  So I will be very busy taking care of many details.  Thank the Lord I am less reactive to fragrance and trace amounts of mold, etc., and my activity level has increased some overall these past 2 months!

Home

Getting out in the garden continues to be a great therapy for me in many ways.  The vegetables are now in the ground including a new asparagus bed . . . until the bunnies find it of course!  No worries as I am working on my rascally rabbit defense system as we speak.  Overall I am still months ahead of schedule for Spring clean-up as compared to the past 6 years battling a serious illness.  I am humbled and grateful.  When my days in the past focused on basic household chores and a plethora of medical appointments and treatments.  Was really nice yesterday to sell a piece of medical equipment that I no longer need and then drive directly to a local nursery with the cash to purchase a lavender plant!  The rains today shall nurture the earth and my garden refuge wonderfully.  Thank you Lord for the lovely view out our windows to encourage me on my recovery journey.  You are soooooo good!

I am in awe of the overall goodness of these changes happening in our lives.  Steve an I are grateful and humbled, tired and excited, stressed and energized all at the same time.  So I’ll end with my happy place that provides refuge through it all.  (Can you find the pup in the photo?)

Thank you Lord for your blessings and goodness, love and care.  Gentle Reader:  He is so good!  JJ

Front Door 6.18

 

Goodness & Light

 

The house on a hill

The one with some land

Just can’t be true

In life without an ampersand.

It’s more like the fermata

In a musical score

Or the final bar line

Where dreams are no more.

You must look around

To the good in your midst

And find the blessings right there

Embrace them with a kiss.

First it’s my beloved

My treasure beyond compare

Next it’s my safe dwelling

The gardens, the love all in there.

Deeper still is my eternal love

The One Who carries me through

The hell of this Earth

Nothing compares to You.

Your light fills my life

No matter how it feels

With hope beyond compare

A shining city on a hill.

What more could I want

When in forever all will be well

Sing alms to my Lord now

This is a story for now, all to tell.

Goodness and light

Lightness and the good

Oh come Lord, Jesus soon

I need you to soften my brood.

Push my focus out to His love

And all comes back and it is right

His Word shines through darkness

As in the day I shall walk in the night.

 

 

 

It Just Doesn’t Matter that much anymore

What others think of me, especially online, used to concern me to the point of scrutinizing every typo and punctuation mark!  Tell you what, it just doesn’t matter that much anymore (IJDMTMA).

Keeping in mind the reason for every significant action in my life so I can justify it, rationalize any lapse in judgment, or simply give me another reason to criticize myself occupies less of my mental space these days.  It takes too much energy.  Any other reasons would go against what I just said!  IJDMTMA.

Cataloging significant records that document the divorce I endured, the major court case I lost, the medical conditions that have come my way, too many artifacts and photos of special events, and purchasing new file cabinets to keep track of these events and more (I have 15 packed drawers in various lateral files, desk drawers and file cabinets, plus quite a few plastic bins around!) involves more-purging-than-storing these days.  If I need it that badly surely I can find it online somewhere, right?  IJDMTMA.

I now live in a town where the cost of living is so affordable that a few people I know have a second home just to store their stuff!  Or folks rent storage spaces in addition to their primary residences (and I am not talking about those living in an apartment or condo!). Gratefully my husband, Steve, and I live in a modest home that requires us to purge stuff periodically!  We don’t want to keep accumulating stuff!  This Christmas I will need to discard numerous Christmas decorations that were up before we remediated our home for mold damage.  The most treasured items will be consolidated into one bin.  I’m going to have to get tough and proclaim:  IJDMTMA.

Similarly, musty memories, painful flashbacks, grief beyond what most must endure, and the drag-me-down burdens that comprise life’s worries have come to the surface with the wretched convulsive episodes of the illness I have been battling.  I simply could not stop the process if I tried.  Perhaps these came as a consequence of a few illnesses that have affected my brain?  No one knows.  What I do know is that If there are to be any redeeming benefits to the nightmares of these past 4 years it must include the involuntary healing that came as these demons were set free.  Yes, the seizures helped release some bad stuff going on in my head.  Carrying this mental baggage has gone down immensely along with the emotional pain.  A different kind of healing has occurred as a result.  Joyfully, IJDMTMA.

The losses of what I once held so dear (i.e. many relationships, my occupational role of 32 years, more financial freedom, certain activities, physical fitness, and the ability to function normally) has been heartbreaking.  But just like learning to let go of other people, places, and things in my life, these intangibles had to be released to the care of my Heavenly Father as well.  At this point I do not know if any of them will come back.  Amazingly I have discovered that I still can have some good moments, make new friends and memories, have everything that I really need, and experience love like never before even with a total life makeover.  To the need for having things be just so I say, IJDMTMA.  Life goes better when held more lightly in the wonder of the moment . . .

How do I convey that “IJDMTMA” is a relatively peaceful, not a sad or angry place in which to be?  I simply have to be here right now.  This attitude has become like a protective coating to keep me from falling apart, from losing what is left, from thinking that my Jesus has abandoned me. He has not!  IJDMTMA is the construct into which I must retreat lest the grieving of what is no longer here overtakes me and blinds me to the goodness that still remains.   In Ezekiel 3:8, the Lord shows His prophet that He will indeed allow him to become “hardened” so that Ezekiel may not lose heart as he carries out the work of ministering to the nation of Israel still in exile.  Wow!  A God-ordained rebellion of sorts will help keep Ezekiel from discouragement.  A toughening will help him and his gifts to continue to be used for God’s glory.  Yes, I want the will and glory of my Lord too.  In the cocoon my Lord has woven for me I can say to all that other stuff:  IJDMTMA.

It just doesn’t matter that much anymore that things aren’t the way they should be or used to be.  I am still here and that matters to me.  Much goodness still surrounds me as I look around this room where I am sitting and see the pictures, handiwork, awards, furniture, and records that tell the stories of Steve and Julie.  Cool beans.  Better yet, just look into our eyes or sit and chat a spell to see more closely what real life looks like in those who are grounded in trusting the Lord for each hour of the day.  It isn’t perfect.  We don’t want our lives to be perfect anyways.  I have a sense that maybe yours isn’t perfect either.  It’s going to be o.k. for those who are in Christ Jesus.  One day soon we will be in His presence and the real stuff of life will be revealed.  And with His glorious light shining all around us we will be with our Lord and Savior for always . . .

Coming to faith in Christ does matter to make this all possible.  Dwelling in the presence of the Lord for all time will bring lightness of heart for all of eternity.  I will be there.  Will I get to see you there too Gentle Reader?

I’m tired.  Goodnight all.  JJ  Ezekiel, harden not your hearts, suffering, endurance, it don't matter to me, what matters most, Christian, marriage, overcoming, chronic illness, chronic pain, hope, trust, the Lord