I suppose that each of us has our own process that we go through when we know that we must make an important decision. Some make lists of pros and cons on either side of the issue, others ask everyone else in their lives for advice, a few go “intellectual” doing exhaustive internet research, and there’s at least a couple of folks who hire an expert to make the decision for them! As Christ-followers, we are called to submit our will to that of the Father (“thy kingdom come, thy will be done”) for His glory, knowing that it will be for our highest good. The Father knows best and knows us best, through our personal relationship with Jesus Christ. This brings peace of mind, confidence in going forward, and hope. But it doesn’t feel very good in the moment sometimes . . .
The fateful night my former spouse was confronted with having an affair, he denied it then proceeded to blame me for having one! Unbelievable! In my shock and horror, I had to make an important decision on the same night that I found out about his affair. From somewhere inside of me I asked Craig to leave for the night. He did. And he never came back again. Well, I wasn’t expecting that for sure! Turns out that his personality would change completely that night. Shortly thereafter, he walked away from virtually everyone he knew, his church, his family, and of course me for a very long time. I understand now that he has reconciled with some of the parties.
The follow-up decision was more difficult: the decision to file for divorce. I wondered how in the world would I support myself in a large city, working part time for health reasons, dealing with two deaths in the family and my mother’s cancer diagnosis, and then losing my job altogether? From somewhere inside of me I found the truth I needed to take the steps needed to reclaim my life. The process took dreadfully long and much more heartache would follow before I was finally independent again. One and one-half years later, I landed in my own place with a new job; I was starting to resurface from the mire, rebuild my life. Then one more devastating blow followed with a condo fire that required me to become displaced for a few months without most of my personal belongings. At this point I was completely lost. Who was I now? The treasured things that provided comfort during one of the biggest transitions of my life were gone, being ozonized in a warehouse somewhere! I crumbled into a shell of a person and would never be the same again.
The next big decision to make was: where to live? From somewhere inside of me I got the idea to ask the elders of my church for guidance. My own father was estranged from my family and thus not available and the ideas of friends and family were all over the map, so to speak. I moved forward with purchasing my own condo with virtually all of my remaining assets and turns out that it was a good choice. The chaos in my life finally stopped and the most important decisions lessened to paint colors and flooring styles. I had a blast decorating my new home. It was beautiful. Even the balcony became a secret garden getaway with some of my favorite flowers and antiques.
And just when I was telling my single girlfriends how much fun we were going to have in the new year, 2007, I came into contact with Steve. Two years after the finalization of the divorce, I decided to return his invitation to call him and before long, my life was moving in the direction of Indiana. Eeeek, Indiana? Folks in Chicagoland equate Indiana with the dirty industrial town of Gary. Steve lived in a relatively small town, 250 miles from where I had been living for 23 years. From somewhere inside of me, I knew that I would be moving to Indiana. Steve’s history resonated so much with mine it triggered a child-like sense of wonder. He flew radio-controlled model airplanes and I grew up with all of the men and boys in my family flying their predecessor: line-controlled airplanes. Steve cycled and so did Craig. Steve had been a leader in his church and so had Craig. The men at church and his sons looked up to Steve and this is where the similarities to Craig ended. Steve’s character exceeded that of most men I had ever met at any time, of any age. I may have fallen in love with him before we even met. We became friends over the phone lines. From somewhere inside of me I knew that Steve was set apart for me.
As time went on, my process of making decisions would change. From somewhere inside of me I learned to ask Steve about the decisions in my life as a way of honoring him, improving communication between us, and bringing us closer together. I learned that it is the Lord’s design for a man to lead his household and his wife as an expression of love, obedience to Christ, and his protection and care for her. This independent-minded Chicagoland healthcare professional would be transformed into a loving wife who seeks to please her husband as the Lord leads and empowers me to do so. I am grateful, I am humbled to say that submission to Steve has made me a better person. Wow. I am still a work in progress in this regard and that’s what grace brings.
So why did I write this blog anyways? It is rather shocking perhaps to bare the hairy details of a painful process of divorce and maybe uncomfortable for others to read how the Lord may actually have had a hand in such things to bring about a greater good. Even the goodness does not cover the pain that can remain until it gets worked out, let go of over an indefinite amount of time. So many people got during hurt these past 10 years in addition to me, in addition to Steve. I grieve the loss of family life that Steve’s four children had to endure through the heartache of their own divorce story. Tis pretty clear why God hates divorce. He wants to spare us these wounds and give us much goodness through the joys of family life. In the end, from somewhere inside of us, we must decide to trust Him, know that He is God, know that He loves and knows us intimately, and that “thy kingdom come, thy will be done.” It is our decision to use that which God allows in our lives to grow us into better human beings, better stewards of His gifts, grace, and promises. He uses the very hurt that grieves us to bring unspeakable joy if we but bother to recover from that hurt, let go, and keep moving forward until His return someday in glory.
For those who know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior, the Holy Spirit is that which can move “from somewhere inside of us.” He is my Heavenly Husband, my first true love who knew me before time began, before I was born. My decision today is to continue to look to Him for things big and small, following the lead of my earthly husband as well. If the Lord is faithful in the crises of life, as this blog shows that He has been so exceedingly, He will be faithful in the breath-by-breath wonderings I face today as well.
Ahhhhh. Such a great reminder from You inside my heart on a wacky Tuesday. Thanks Lord.