Strangely dim or so it seems at times with
My cries, my prayers, the scripture that rolls off my tongue to no where
All serving as a cathartic drug I suppose I suppose.
My mind is stunned in an electric shock of sorts:
Body thrashing, limbs violently shaking, breathing withheld for a very long time
Until the darkness that seizes me lifts its grip on my life with the deepest sigh.
Living in hell will bring weeping and gnashing of teeth it is written
Surely worse than mine yet I still don’t like the taste that visits me,
Not knowing from whence it comes, from whence it goes rendering me useless for hours on end.
The next big thing keeps me chasing that miraculous dream inside:
To find a cure, the right Doc, the right stuff to end it all already
Should it exist this side of heaven we both ponder my sweet friend.
“What will be the villain’s name?” I wonder then do not care
The left side of my brain is tired and just wants to go home, to settle here in my heated bed
To sleep perchance to dream, aye, there is the rub as Hamlet said.
Not much has changed: the beaten-down headache remains the same;
The husband lacks sleep and cries softly as his love tears our heart strings painfully once more.
What will his own lean on the Lord reveal from the Divine gift of a brilliant mind?
We ponder a move. We ponder a Mayo run. We try variations on old remedies. We pray for fumes to carry on —
As day falls into night and our intimate distance is lengthened over and over again.
Yes, this is hard, Gentle Reader, and not a path for you I would ever choose.
It came this way anyways ordained by my Lord exactly for now as you have faithfully watched it unfold . . .
The nightmare is not over yet: the final scene unwritten with the cast still shy of their curtain call.
So we will hang tough for the fourth year, the fourth act, that melts into a joyous season as they say
Of Christmastime when all we should do is look up anyways from our worries, from our homested.
It’s all about that Baby right (the One in the manger with stench all around His head)?
Yes: He has come to save me, to save you, to make right that which hangs low on a starry night, for those who believe dontcha know?
My Jesus Who saved me with perfect grace once and for all
Will bring me to a better place with a view I cannot see from here: one that faith beautifies beyond hope, beyond dreams, beyond the best love that has carried me thus far.
And when that moment comes when heaven is the only expanse of scenery from here
Twill be no matter the bumps, the downhill runs, the heights with hind’s feet lighting on high.
I pray that I will get to see you there Gentle Reader: it is with you I want to celebrate it all!
For someday our cares, our view will be transformed and it will be as beautiful as promised.
But just assure me this: will you be there in my view?
With love, Just Julie