What could be the cause?

For how many things can you test, research, treat, and repeat

Before you get to your end with hands empty again and again?

Like a parasite sucking the life out of you while it hides in waiting

Adding to your pain, lighting the match of your symptoms once and again.

Don’t expect the ones paid to know to really know anything at all my dear,

Outside of their textbooks even if they read them, even if they look at you at all.

Because if you don’t fit the pattern you really may have no where you can go

And temptation will come to do things only animals might do to get by.

Sounds sick but there is someone out there who understands this bad rap

And sits with you facing that brick wall with pieces of dreams that no longer fit.

You can’t make this stuff up yet this is your reality.  How cruel it really is.

………….

The One who really knows

Has that name you cannot forget

He hung in front of scoffers

Hands nailed, sharp spear in His side.

He chose to hang from that cross

To bear the consequence of this world

The effects of evil you endure

That just wasn’t supposed to be.

He still weeps for your pain

Knows it all very well

Stays near, hear Him speak

Words of comfort if you but dwell.

Never let Him go little broken one

It will help you endure

One day all will be well

That promise is ’cause He loves . . .

And on that you can rest.

Yes, it is now time to go to bed.

………….

Don’t fear the seizures that may come

They have made you braver than anyone

Who else could face the tempest each night

Yet rest in his den without trust in something more?

How ever have you come this far

When so many would have died two thousand times

If you were not given supernatural strength

He has ordained for the days to come?

Only your Lord knows the day and time

When all will be made well, be made right

Until then you hang in there my precious child

I love you and will rock those shakes in my loving arms.

Think on that when the tears surely come

Knowing all are held in my two hands

I count them, bring them my righteousness

In a way only I now understand.

You must trust me albeit a bit blind

Have I not restored from the locusts before?

Have I not given you the love of your life

The dreams of your heart in your home?

So with confidence that comes from Me

Go forth into the night as it becomes day

Knowing My time is not of this world

And your gifts don’t come wrapped as for others.

You will be rewarded for trials

I have promised and this you know

Just trust in your Lord, Jesus Christ

For His love, His goodness will be evermore.

…………

And so I did.  My title was the wrong question.  My answer is Jesus Christ.

JJ

couple at sunset, couple by the shore, kissing, sunrise, couple at sunrise, Christian marriage, Christian couple

There’s no where to go but . . .

sun-breaking-through-dark-clouds-300x192

Hubby begins his flying adventure

First on the ground then looking up

To the skies, to fly through the air

My beloved wants to be there someday.

So shall I for the depths have been too long

My darkest of nights came yesterday

Trauma that comprised abuse when

Care was needed instead, oh my!

I shall consider what to do, to pray

And listen to my man and my Lord

This just cannot go on or I will not

So all things must go up from here . . .

 

I got to Walmart today

Days where I just exist

Give way to tears

More often than not

Everyday now.

Waiting no longer suits me

Although it is my garment

Worn through hopes dashed

Threadbare to no end.

I study like a school girl

Not sure where the letters lead

Thinking this is “it”

And it is not.

Surely it is darkest

Before the break of day

That is my hope I guess

And my Lord too.

So little do I do

As the grass grows tall

Alone too much too

At least I got to Walmart today!

Walmart, shower, Target, Meme, pajamas, old man, glasses

Treatment Update and Anniversary

Six years ago tonight began a journey that has tested me in every way possible; brought me closer to my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, than ever before; deepened my love and gratitude for my beloved Steve; and helped me to grasp the incredible resilience of the human body/human spirit.  Thank you Lord for your sustaining grace through it all!

Rather than go into the details, I will simply refer you, Gentle Reader, to my story here.  Briefly, I got deathly sick with viral hepatitis after kayaking in a local reservoir and never fully recovered.  Seizure attack episodes began on a daily basis within a couple of months and have yet to resolve.  This serious illness has had many names, required extensive treatments at considerable expense, and rendered me unable to work in my profession of occupational therapy.  I miss working.  The social isolation, sense of loss, grief, and various disabilities have changed my daily life considerably.  Without my faith in Christ I would not have made it this far.  I do have hope for a better tomorrow which brings me to my quarterly treatment update as follows:

Recent lab tests found extremely high pesticide toxicity.  I immediately increased Far Infrared Sauna and various detox treatments until I could meet with my functional medicine Doctor.  Now after two intense weeks of exhausting research, medical appointments, and enough follow-up that would make the great T.V. detective Colombo proud, I am hoping that my Doctor’s office has processed a referral to a State Toxicology Center.  I found a neurologist that specializes in seizures related to toxicity and I want to see her as soon as possible!

In the meantime, I try to function as best as I can.  Sadly the very difficult titration of a new medication either keeps me up most nights or wakes me up with breakthrough tic attacks every two hours.  (I still spend most weekends in and out of bed with sickness.)  The focus now is to inhibit acetylcholine that we hypothesize is causing the seizures because of damage from organophosphate poisoning (OP).  Acute treatments for OP are well known but not for long term effects; we simply do not know how long I have had this toxicity.  The medication is an interim measure.  I am wondering if various Lyme, fungal, viral, and even parasitic infections have sequestered OP like these organisms can do with other toxic agents.  We know that detoxification can increase feelings of sickness called “herxing” (from release and recirculation of mycotoxins for example) when we either detox too fast or our liver or kidney pathways are blocked.  I now use bitter herbs with various binding agents in a “push-catch” protocol that helps to better tolerate the process.

organophosphate poisoning, round-up, pesticide, herbicide, toxicity, toxic, clonidine, seizures, treatment,acute

So here we go again with another new treatment direction!  At least this time I have concrete lab values to help explain what is going on along with a new, promising treatment direction.  In the meantime I’ll be hanging out as the “chick in the box” (as Steve says) at about 124 or more degrees, trying to literally “sweat it out” in our sauna. There will be no anniversary celebration per se for enduring six years of hell albeit with some sweet moments sprinkled in here and there.  There will be humility though as I try to be a godly steward of this journey my Lord has entrusted to my care.  I do have hope for a better tomorrow.  That is where this blog began 6 months into this 6-year journey and I hope that is where I will remain beyond that too.

Thank you for sharing the road with me Gentle Reader.  When I see my stats ticker go up a notch my spirit gets a little lighter, knowing you are there.  Thank you.

With love,  JJjer, 29:11, jeremiah, hope, future, plans, says the Lord, Christian

A Call to Grace

10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.  (Gal 1)

butterfly, Galations, serve, burdens, break free, servant, let go,Christian, heart, image

From the perspective of the supernatural power of grace bestowed by my Lord, Jesus Christ, I write to you this day.  For my flesh is more broken than before, hopes beaten up from the road, and spirit exasperated from the waiting.  Yet I am compelled to look beyond my angst to the call to grace . . .

If I have fallen short of praising my Lord then I am sorry.  Please forgive me.  The alms and adoration to my Savior is what shall draw me nearer to Him and lift my sorrows.

Should I have focused too much on my own needs and not those of others then my selfishness has thus blinded me.  The trials of life have more to do with our response to these trials (and more importantly to others) than to their resolution.  I cannot serve others when my mind is full of woe.  There is always room to love on others.

When I act to make my own plate o’ food and have not called upon God’s infinite power to feed my family then I have shorted all of us to the weakness of my own hands.  My Lord is sufficient for me, enables me to serve beyond my ability.

Where my face has turned to the shiny distractions of this life, pining after them (or worse coveting that which I have been blessed) then I have really made my world smaller.  Who knows the blessing that will come from sacrificial giving?  Gratitude?  And proper placement of my gaze to the Cross?

How much better it is to wait on my Heavenly Father than to cry out my need only to act thereafter in my own strength?  Oh Lord, help me to wait, to listen, to dwell and nothing more during these times.

That about sums it up right now.  Thank you to those who prayed for me last week and who remember me in your prayers.  Please let me know how I may serve you too, k?

JJ