When you search no more

Google and Google Scholar have gotten way too much traffic from me these past 8 years of battling serious illness. It’s time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Facebook has been my link to the world outside the comforting yet speechless walls of our home when there were no more folks to call on the phone. A recent relapse in convulsive episodes brings a state of mental fog afterwards. While not a true “post ictal” phase of an epileptic seizure, it is still a time when goal-directed activity (as I used to call it when working in my profession of occupational therapy) simply does not occur. Reading short phrases while lying in a passive state is about the best I can do. Well, except when my beloved is nearby and comforts me dearly. But I follow way too many disease-oriented groups on Facebook so spending time there is not really a break from life, a connection to the living, or even as entertaining as it once was. It’s time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Endless planning in my mind or on the calendar on my smart phone has increasingly become a source of frustration rather than relief or even hope. Focusing too much on the future brings tomorrow along too soon, robbing me of the gifts all around me in today. I simply don’t know when-or-if I will be a candidate for parathyroid surgery now that I have a diagnosis that explains so very much of what is wrong with my health. I simply have to wait for others to review my case and call me. Steve and I will adjust our schedules and lives accordingly. It’s time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Gardening has become both a hobby and source of identity when my role as an Occupational Therapist went away. I am grateful that a couple of months of better health in the spring allowed me to largely finish a rain garden project in my community as a Master Gardener. My volunteer work continues as the Assistant Editor of the quarterly publication, Canoe News (of the United States Canoe Association), and Editor of the monthly newsletter, Across the Fence (of the Master Gardeners of Purdue Extension, Allen County). Often these are difficult to get done; somehow with the Lord’s grace we do. But I am struggling to keep up with our own landscape that requires daily maintenance and some brute strength that is tough for me to do these days. The degenerative changes in my spine are not going to go away so what will I/we do about all of those flower and fruit and vegetable beds out there? Keep watering for now, pray about it, and realize that it’s probably time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Gee, suddenly I feel less stressed about things. Thank you Jesus. You care about these issues in my life and in those of the Gentle Readers out there too, holding every one in the palm of your hand, the love in your heart, with the promise of your return. Things will work out according to Your Divine plan for our lives. In this we can rest tonight.

And so we shall, eh?

I miss you

A Letter to My Former Self:

I miss you dear one:

Your silliness, creativity, spontaneity, occasional complaints.

You have left me here quite empty

With shards of who you once were hanging in a forgotten frame.

If only she would come back

All things would be right again with the world, no?

Yeah that is a definite nada

Since we can never retrace the exact steps that brought us here anyways.

“So what to do with my longing?” I ask.

That’s a tough question barely understanding the answer that has come,

For we will not be happy back there

This foolery we must shed to fully be present in the “now.”

For Christ alone provides the joy within

Not circumstances nor that driven by the shallowness of this life.

Better to place one’s heart in the Lord’s hands today

And consider the blessings that would have been missed had we gone another way.

I cannot get back what has been lost all these years

Better for me not to miss the opportunity before me this very hour,

 

Than to have myself facing the wrong way when my Savior comes to take me home.  JJ

ephesians 5, 5.17, ephesians, Lord, will, my life, let go, let God

Starting Over

Start today and create a new ending

Might be my mantra on this date:

My calendar awash with the death of my phone

Leaving empty spaces in the blocks that measured time.

Oh how I valued my days, my worth by that thingy

When asked to justify this or that,

I could find the day/the hour when the lost hope began

From another closed door once opened with promise, no less.

(Oh why cannot I recall the goodies lain in there too?)

So many files on paper or electronic memory stored away

In my weighty storage that marks thy years, thy self

Perhaps defining who I was over the decades

Including these five years of hell that came to roost.

“But what if I forget?” was be my byline to save

The records of divorce, of deaths, of expertise, of treatments once lived . . .

I suppose I collected hoping to arise somehow better

And yet somehow as my receptacles filled my person emptied too.

Perhaps now is the time to infill on the inside

Not in a black metal coffin with folders numbered by letter

But by character and trust:

That the Holy Spirit within me holds it all in order anyways.

He knows what I will need, where the important things are in His care

When I draw on my Lord’s infinity —

Not the confines of my mind or spaces

Lest I limit my future by my past by carrying too many things.

Yes, let the purging begin.

Let the trusting run faster and freely.

Let the light of hope return even in the faintest of twilight.

Let me start over with a new ending:  this time Divine.  JJ

*****************

Gentle Reader:  This day for us both “I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe.” Ephesians 1:17-19Niagra Falls, Buffalo, Canadian, falls, rainbow, trusting God

 

Only the Moment

Only in this moment are things not as they should be:

Soreness for no reason at all

Sizzling in between the neurons rising up, rising over

Dwarfed by insatiable hunger,

Rushes of warmness then cool,

Joints made of cardboard,

Ah the stress for having reached beyond.

Only in the past was there no name for this strife:

Some kind of pain condition they said

(A hormonal this or that)

Traumas from growing up the way we did were

Leading struggles to find my way in life

Whilst blooming late after deadheading, letting go.

Only looking forward can bring true hope:

The day my body calms at last

My Savior returns and all is made whole

Weeping ends, eternal Spring abounds whereas

The truth reigns supreme as all finally agree.

But only now is the moment in which I contend:

Living in love with my intended beloved

With nights as wildly structured as the days

And breaths carried between words terse with meaning.

For only in the moment is where we too must live:

Look around . . . is there more beyond the view to

Seize right away with a kiss of sweetness at the lips?  Surely something can taste good right now!

JJ

psalm 16, psalm 16:11, living life to the fullest, carpe diem, seize the day, peace, contentment