It’s just not the same thing

good, bad, perspective, Christian, surrender, letting go, in Christ

Dinner out with family celebrating from 3 states or an Asian wrap alone at the messy table where you finally were allowed to finish your holiday activities with some kids . . .

A rental car authorized by your insurance company while the truck gets repaired from the deer or a silver beast machine that at least doesn’t reek like a fleabag hotel . . .

An upset stomach that lingered for weeks or a working diagnosis of a peptic ulcer that reveals that the stress was more than just a little of late . . .

A cold sore that just happens from time to time or a flare of wretched shingles caught in the beginning stages, THANK GOD . . .

The stuff of life making a rough landing all at the same time or a financial train wreck in the making as Christmas gift-giving rapidly approaches . . .

Tears of frustration from “not good enough” criticism in a new editing role giving way to compliments from out of no where just 3 months later . . .

Doubts of your acceptance in community volunteer roles with new folks who don’t know your history to appreciation for being part of the team . . .

Missing my husband dearly as he is away travelling to the non-starter reunion when having to practice extreme mold avoidance still . . .

Tears of grief from so very much loss shaking my fragile frame to the bone to a slow recovery days later with a few convulsive spikes here and there . . .

Powerlessness to minister to my brother who suffers post-stroke much greater than I to finally figuring out something I can send him to really help . . .

I really could go on.  It’s just not the same thing when things really do go from bad to worse and you wish you had not feared for the worst because things can really go either way . . . and sometimes they actually go better than expected.  It’s all a matter of perspective in the end, right?  Ugh.  Clearly I am witnessing both phenomenon.  Really makes for uncertain living, I tell ya.

So what shall I do?  To stay in the moment as best I can is what I shall do.  Nap when I can’t concentrate anymore.  Pet the pup for more than a moment ’cause she likes it too.  Do something nice for my beloved Steve.  Move my Bible to that more secluded spot where I can spend time with the Lord without as many distractions.  Dwell and pray, pray and dwell in the presence of my Heavenly Father Who can lift my spirits above that which troubles me each day.  I have given myself over to worldly worries and it is not the same thing as giving it all over to Him.  I surrender.  I don’t know what got broken that I landed here but at least this one I do know how to fix.  Lord willing, things will get better!  JJ

No Place to Go

Steve pic of A Lori stuff 7.27.18

This morning as I watched my gracious husband take pictures of the items a family member had claimed were stolen, I realized I had no other place to go.

Who would understand the betrayal after having suffered a severe health setback trying to care?

Who would understand that every level of commitment virtually every day this entire year would end with them throwing my heart against a brick wall?

Who would know the many levels of loss that continue as I seek treatment to get my body back to baseline again?

Who would understand that grieving this failure, this dead end would rekindle the sorrow from heartaches in the not-so-distant past as well?

How does that come to any kind of closure when your heart is crying, your thoughts are heavy, your body is aching, your world is smaller, and there are piles of things to do around you?

There is only one place to go:  to the One Who grieves for my pain, Who grieved tears of living blood for the sorrows of us all:  more than I will ever know.

My Savior, Jesus Christ, faced ridicule, betrayal, torture, and unjust punishment that cost Him His life so that I may be free one day of lesser losses that come with this life.

Just gotta lie at the foot of His cross for as long as it takes until the burdens are lighter, so that I may go on even better somehow.

My joy is tiny today.  My Jesus is bigger than life itself.

Jesus, take the wheel.

JJ

Clarity Came to the Caregiver

Sometimes the moments of frustration break away to clarity and decision.  Gratefully, the crisis is over for now in our care-giving responsibilities.

Recently I vented about the stress and trials of caring for a family member at a distance.  She is having difficulties making decisions.  She is having difficulty trusting anyone to help her despite reaching out to a few family members to do just that.  Then she changes just about everything after you have helped her establish according to her wishes at the time.  I am concerned for her safety.  Mostly I have been concerned for my own sanity and stress level, caring for a lady for whom nothing is quite good enough.  What a tough place for us both to find ourselves.

So we will back away for now until she finds that she really needs us.  Her summer visit is now cancelled.  Her indecision really is a decision of sorts!  My beloved saint of a hubby and I will see this family member within a month where we will regroup in person.  Until then I will focus on the tasks of recovery from my own serious illness.  More about that next . . .

Fiji, water, patio, covered porch, Indiana, Spring, garden, relaxing, healthy food, carrots, Bible reading, prayer time, shade sail, flagstone

Goodness & Light

 

goodness and light, Christian, Christmas, song, Jesus, hope, humility
Photo from:  https://www.yourhomebasedmom.com/2013-word-of-the-year/

The house on a hill

The one with some land

Just can’t be true

In life without an ampersand.

It’s more like the fermata

In a musical score

Or the final bar line

Where dreams are no more.

You must look around

To the good in your midst

And find the blessings right there

Embrace them with a kiss.

First it’s my beloved

My treasure beyond compare

Next it’s my safe dwelling

The gardens, the love all in there.

Deeper still is my eternal love

The One Who carries me through

The hell of this Earth

Nothing compares to You.

Your light fills my life

No matter how it feels

With hope beyond compare

A shining city on a hill.

What more could I want

When in forever all will be well

Sing alms to my Lord now

This is a story for now, all to tell.

Goodness and light

Lightness and the good

Oh come Lord, Jesus soon

I need you to soften my brood.

Push my focus out to His love

And all comes back and it is right

His Word shines through darkness

As in the day I shall walk in the night.

 

 

 

The Long and Winding Road

Paul McCartney wrote the famous ballad entitled The Long and Winding Road when inspired by the farmlands around his Scottish home.  He wrote it during a time of tension between band members of the Beatles and then it was published in 1970, just after the break up of the band.  I remember being very upset that they were no longer together after changing the popular music scene forever.

This is a sad song.  Tonight I understand the many sentiments expressed within the lyrics that go with this sweet melody:  melancholy to a sense of unmet longing:

When the road goes on too long before you reach your destination or you never really reach the destination you set out to find . . .

Where the twists and turns push you beyond the roadways onto the rough gravel, shaking you up quite a bit . . .

Who comes along with you sometimes wishes they were not there at all then comes around to being alright in your company after all the weary miles together . . .

What you find dashes the dreams you once had, leaving you with emptiness before the Throne of Grace where all roads eventually will arrive anyways . . .

And you shed deeper tears than you ever knew before in your pain and anguish . . .

Such is the song in my broken heart tonight.  All I can say to the God above or beyond is, “I need you now more than ever.  Please lead me back to your door . . . let me know the way.” JJ