A blog is an interesting vehicle in one’s life. You get to write about anything you want and just about anyone, anywhere can read it. At least that is how this blog is structured. Funny thing is that once you get going on a particular topic, there’s a high likelihood that you might reveal a little more about yourself than you might if you were in person. The ideas just flow when here alone at the keyboard and if it is a personal blog (instead of a professional or business forum) well things can get personal quite easily! If you are honest, that is!
Why bring this up? Well I have come to realize that some tragic events in my childhood are influencing the nature of my recovery from illness. The question I have grappled with of late is whether or not to write about it. Oh the story is juicy enough to draw some interest and you bet I’ll let you know how the Lord has helped me endure and overcome the pain of it all. Healing has come for these hurts because of the love of my Heavenly Father manifest in my personal relationship with His Son, Jesus Christ. The Holy Spirit has guided the process: providing counsel, “Jesus with skin on” in the form of loving sojourners, helpful tools, and His glorious written Word leading me to hope. So why share the hairy details anyways?
Possibly I would because horrific illness may trigger past hurts for others more than me. I don’t want you to feel alone if that is part of your story. New trauma often stirs up old wounds: at least the one we might find are not fully healed. We might not know that they are not fully healed until something new happens in our lives as in the course of serious illness. I view many of these events as “another involuntary growth experience” and am often left feeling more whole when I work through the tender issues correctly. The problem is that when you happen to mention to a medical professional that waking nightmares, seizures, involuntary screaming episodes, and convulsions have triggered scenes that might be from your past YOU GET A PSYCHIATRIC LABEL AND THEY STOP TRYING TO TREAT THE MEDICAL ILLNESS. This is frustrating indeed! The medical illness came first. Healing secondary issues is a bonus, like clearing out cobwebs in a musty garage. Cool beans and all that jazz. Keep the treatment focus on the root cause people!
So for me to share old or emerging facts from my abusive past runs the risk of my physical symptoms not being taken seriously. Convulsions require serious examination, eh? I paid dearly this past Saturday for venturing out on a private lake for my husband’s canoe and kayaking class hosted with a friend. Even though the water was treated with blue dye to prevent algae growth, it was there anyways. I have never had such violent, animalistic, horrifying convulsions in these 2 1/2 years of seizure attacks as I did one hour after I returned home. You would not believe the level of torment I endured continuously for 2 wretched hours! The rest of the evening was awful too with a rebound of episodes on Sunday. I lost over a day of my life in payment for enjoying a paddling outing with my beloved and some friends. The biotoxin illness won and I lost. Tell me how this is all in my head as the working out of an unhappy childhood? NO WAY.
If the story of my sorry childhood made a difference to the “Hope Beyond” I would like the Gentle Reader to find, I would write about it here. However in doing so I would risk selling myself short in the process for those who might not follow my whole story. One of my blogs generally covers only one topic as in a chapter of a book. Further, reading a posting about a waking nightmare that was remarkably similar to a very bad day a long time ago would put the focus on the past and not on the exposure to cyanobacteria earlier that afternoon. And in the end we bloggers don’t need to share everything about ourselves to be heard, to make a difference in the literary world. We only need to be genuine to ourselves, to our subject matter. Should I need to share a scene from my past to make a point I might do so briefly. To say more will put the focus in the wrong place. I need to keep my eyes fixed on my great expectation for what lies ahead of me (and all who believe), in the glorious presence of my Lord and Savior. One day when my life on this earth is over He will make right all that was not right back there and heal me then, if not sooner. I believe there will be a blessing for my stewardship of the experiences, sacrifices, ministries, and choices of humility He allowed in my life if I have succeeded in acting according to His will. And if I have acted according to His will then it is only because He helped me to do so! This stuff is way too hard to make it on my own.
The story that truly makes a difference is not mine. The story that has the power to transform the lives, the hearts of mankind is that of the person of Jesus Christ. Let His own Words of His life, His pain and suffering as chronicled in the Gospels (the first 4 books of the New Testament in the Bible) lead you to His throne of grace. Lay your burdens before the One Who is, Who was, and Who will forever be. Let His love redeem the pains of the past so that both you and I may live freely in His presence forevermore. What great fellowship we shall enjoy one day soon! What great joy we will know when He calls each of us by name Who knows Him as Lord and Savior. Oh how I long to hear His stories of how much He loves us, He takes our prayers to the Father, and has prepared a glorious place for us to dwell in together: Him and I; you and Him; the fellowship of believers; the cherubim and seraphim. Yeah that’s where my focus outta be!
Philippians 4:8New International Version (NIV)
8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Oh yeah! Now that’s some great writing! ;J