Into the clearing

When a calming washes over me with which I am unfamiliar

I wonder if it could be here to stay?  Oh my merciful Lord, please!

The headache barely whimpers anymore and her pain cousin screams less

Making me wonder if something real is happening:  “is it live or Memorex?”

Napping fills my afternoons, pill counting still dominates my days, overnights

With fewer medical appointments I can listen to my own body better

And experiment with all that I have learned, all my Great Physician has taught.

Some little sewing projects have kept me going through this stage of recovery

I’ll share it with you if I ever get them done with scraps of stuff from here and there,

Just like life isn’t it when putting pieces together then ripping out the crooked ones?

Maybe someday it will look pretty or be useful somehow . . . until then my Maker “sows.”

What will I reap when the seizures finally stop?  Will life become filled with color and smiles?

Alas until then, Gentle One, watch this space with me for I am hopeful again, not as bad,

Yes at last, I am hopeful again.  JJ

The Boomerang Effect

The wooden angle sitting on the mantle was a souvenir/gift from the Land Down Under.

To toss it into the air and have it return in-flight to you is a skill few master.  We didn’t!

Instead we dust if off because it looks nice:  forming a paradox in design and practice with which I can relate tonight.

Here’s why.

boomerang, wooden, life, metaphor, like, things come back, return to you

A trip to our local hospital began after much preparation and somewhat tense spirit too.

Would the appointments go alright such that I could return home and rest before a party this evening?

I brought with me several “rescue remedies,” food, water, favorite medical supplies, etc.

Having my port flushed last month went reasonably well so this one today should too.

Not.

I’d been battling Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth when some labs indicated liver stuff too.  My Doc was willing to order a test over the phone and both would be today.

The liver/gall bladder/pancreas ultrasound could irritate a tender tummy for awhile.

Worse came a “tic attack” with the realization that there are several tender spots.

Gratefully, recovery came quickly and I was off to the outpatient clinic for the flush.

The nurse completed everything slowly as I’d requested; my preparation was flawless too.

Can you ice your chest wall while having an ultrasound, apply numbing cream before leaving home, and finish your breakfast/morning supplements in the waiting room between appointments running only 8 minutes late too?  Sure you can!

But 8 minutes past the hour was too late.  With everything that went wrong, the process would take OVER SIX HOURS!

The nurses there are saints as they let me sit in that treatment chair forever if needed.

Something about that 1 1/2 inch needle plunging into my port never has bode well with me.  Or was it a slight change in tissue gradient from fluids and a blood thinner going in?

The procedure was completed and I thought I was going to be o.k.  Then I started shaking.

The shaking continued for over THREE HOURS!  Several convulsive spikes joined the mess.

Gratefully my beloved Stevers was able to leave work early, go home, and bring me an emergency dose of steroid medication at the hospital.  He was my hero once again.

Within 15 minutes, the episode stopped.  I lain in that recliner chair in shock for a long while.  I wept some too.

We moved to the lobby where I devoured my last bit o’ snack and began to revive.

Once home, I rallied to help Steve get out the door to the party with gifts, dish-to-pass, yada, yada, yada hoping to join him later.  Another FIVE HOURS LATER, I did.

Last year I was too sick to attend a gathering with these friends from out of town.  My beloved sent me a video back then of the kids opening their gifts.  Bittersweet.

This year I got to see most of the kids for a few minutes and all of the adults.  Twas sweet.

Another victory was being able to visit in a home with a history of mold damage.  Huge!

The First Defense Nasal Screens (See Julie’s Favorites), open windows on a cool Spring evening, and progress in reduced reactivity all appeared to help.  Thank you Lord.

My plan was to stay in the moment, just enjoying the light banter and updates from all.

No matter that no one asked me much about things.  I love them in Christ just the same.

So I live a Boomerang life, moving from wretchedness to sweetness often within hours.

I could brood the day long or keep my pretty tops sitting in a closet like that dusted toy.

Instead if my Lord grants the where-with-all to get back into life, moving ahead, slightly forward,

I will trust in His strength.  I will do it.  I will get there.  And like the boomerang thing, the trip back will cancel the trip out that maybe wasn’t so good.

For we will face trials in this life, those of us who believe in Christ Jesus. The real question remains:

Will we stay on the shelf when the flippin’ craziness is done?  Nope.  Not me.

I will get out and try to have some fun!

Winning through losing

Winning through losing is the title of an article by Pastor Sandy Adams in the Summer 2017 issue of Calvary Chapel Magazine that touched my heart and lightened my burden this day.  Pastor Adams told the story of the Apostle Paul of the Bible who, after coming to faith in Christ, never had a “thorn in his flesh” removed despite praying three times.  He describes it as follows with a passage from 2nd Corinthians, Chapter 12:

Paul learned to view his thorn as God’s gift.  He rejoiced in the weakness it caused; for it became God’s opportunity to demonstrate His supernatural strength.  Paul rejoices in verse 10, “Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake.  for when I am weak, then I am strong.”  He took pleasure in circumstances where he was no longer in control.  A weak Paul empowered by God’s grace was more effective than a strong Paul at peak performance.  Paul was confident that God’s grace was sufficient. (p. 52)

Pastor Adams goes on to encourage us that the Lord’s greatest work is in our times of defeat:  a work that He intends to do all along.  “Rest in this:  When we are at our weakest, God makes us strongest.” (p. 52)

It is my hope that my writings here will exemplify this teaching.  I have struggled greatly these past few weeks with episodes of physical and spiritual darkness too ugly to describe publically.  To think that I may never be free from daily convulsive episodes is a burden to great for me to bear in the midst of these setbacks.  At the same time, I continue to have a sense that perhaps soon they will stop.  Should I not hope that they stop?  I think not.  My calling is to remain faithful to the moments in which I find myself:  doing that which the Lord wants me to do, discerning the leading of the Holy Spirit, dwelling in the presence of my King often.  If that means being obedient to the Lord’s call to get off the couch to take a rescue remedy while my head is banging, my legs aren’t working right, and pressured vocalizations are emanating from deep within my loins then I will trust that my Heavenly Father will keep me safe while I do so.  It’s amazing how supernatural power overcomes my own inability to move my body correctly.  His power is real!

I recently completed a course of antibiotics to treat a gut infection that may have a connection to my brain symptoms.  The medication hurt me with damaging side effects.  After 10 days I called my Doctor and transitioned to the first of two herbal protocols that would follow next.  Tomorrow morning I will start the second of these two plans including dosing at an elevated level of an antimicrobial that I have largely tolerated in the past.  I am hopeful that recovery is possible with this new plan.  After reading Pastor Adam’s article today I will remain mindful that there is purpose and power in every moment of this journey no matter the outcome will be.  The power of Christ has indeed rested upon me in my weakest, most breathless states.  I have trusted Him completely albeit not perfectly.  He has ordained these days for me revealed in other levels of healing that I cannot disclose right now:  the longest held desires of my heart have been addressed, have been comforted.  Through seizures!

In time, the Apostle Paul saw his thorns as a gift.  “Imagine, a thorn gift” suggests Pastor Adams.  “When Paul accepted his thorn as a gift, God gave him strength.”  As I have come to my own level of peace with this serious illness, I have received many gifts as well.  Another great blessing has come from my beloved husband, Steve’s, unfailing love, presence in the darkest of times, prayers, and gifts of the spirit.  He is often my Jesus with skin-on, so to speak.  This morning he anointed me with oil as he prayed for me in the aftermath of incredible difficulties.  Oh Lord, please bless this man, this instrument of your peace!  Help me to love and serve him as you would have me do so with your strength, with words from You to encourage his heart.

You know I never really thrived when posed with a competitive situation at home, with my peers, at work, at school, or in most places in life even though I know that it is o.k. to strive for excellence in all of these settings.  I usually fell short before reaching the prize.  Perhaps my focus was on the wrong place?  Winning through losing brings us to the eternal finish line, the one that matters most, in second place behind the Lord, Jesus Christ who will share in the victory that He hath created all along the proverbial races of life.  These are the ones that truly matter.  The ones where we let Him carry us or infuse us with His grace, His power as we cross over into eternal glory.

Now that’s a medal I do want to take “home.”  Lord, in your mercy, help me to finish well!  JJ

2 Cor, 2 Corinthians, 2:9, weakness, grace, sufficient, Christ, power, overcoming trials, Bible verse, encouraging

 

 

We Will be Fine

The plot thickens, my angst flares

Why more nasties when hope came near?

I thought we had it, the Doc and I

But my body freaked out putting me in arrears.

Three infections at once

With more at bay for now

Is much to address

Each in it’s own particular way.

Many calls at night

Hubby running here and there

He is so tired as I

Writhing on the sectional in despair.

Call it die-off

Whatever you may

Take this binder and that

With another remedy in the fray.

I have no idea

If I will ever catch up

The beasts within me win

Or do they?  It is not yet clear.

My eyes are burning

My tummy aching with nausea

The pain is less, hoo-rah!

Unbelievable at a time like this.

So what will I do

To get through another day?

Cancel everything again

Sit tight and hold on as we go this way.

Rougher than most healing

The prize won’t be for wimps,

We elite patients stand strong

In the arms of our Lord holding us up.

Keep your eye on the prize

Solve the problems that arise

One day all will be gone

For in heaven we will be fine!

Rev 21:4, Revelation, no more tears, no more weeping, little girl, hope, trials, scripture, coping, help, suffering

 

Treatment Update

Time for a treatment update and some good news!  Yes, things aren’t as bad.  🙂

My major focus with my health since I started this blog has always been to stop the residual, daily convulsive episodes that have plagued me for over 5 years.  More recently my treatment plan has centered around treating a gut infection that appears to be related.  Some call it Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO) and specifically for me it might be due to a clostridia species infection.  Regardless, the gut-brain connection is real and affects neurotransmitters in the brain.  A myriad of neurological issues can result when these chemicals are deficient or out of balance.  Specific medications and nutritional supports directed by a functional medicine doctor in the past nor my genetic coach/naturopathic physician more recently seemed promising but did not help.  Over the past 5 1/2 years, my medical doctor and I have also addressed or ruled out a plethora of other avenues (biotoxin illness, Lyme disease, mercury and lead toxicity, nutritional deficiencies, dental factors, epigenetic expression, pain/structural complications, the endocannibinoid system with CBD oil, psychological issues, ruling out brain or cardiac anomalies, sleep issues, etc.).  But what about the dull ache in my tummy?

SIBO, small, intestinal, bacterial, overgrowth, abdominal, pain, tummy, stomach, appendicitis, clostridia, infection, test, OAT

I did an experiment with a hand held far infrared (FIR) device designed to treat pain.  I used to sell the KenkoWave when I was an Independent Wellness Consultant for a Japanese health technologies company called NIKKEN.  Pain in the right lower quadrant of my abdomen has persisted for over a year.  A comprehensive medical workup yielded no clues so I decided to shine the FIR light onto my tummy.  After just 2 minutes, I had a 2-hour, violent, non-stop convulsive episode that would not respond to any remedy we tried!  I hung on for dear life!  I experimented some more the next couple of days with the same result:  an hour of non-stop episodes after only 60 seconds!  Holy cow!  Maybe the cause is in there somewhere?  By this time I had gotten the results for the THIRD SIBO test coupled with an Organic Acids Test (from Genova Diagnostics and Great Plains Laboratories, respectively) with severe and high markers respectively.  Over the next month, a plan of attack came together.

Somehow treating SIBO last year with an antibiotic (that stays in the gut called Xifaxan) was not enough to solve the problem.  The current round began with about a week of a powerful bio-botanical followed by a nasty antibiotic called Flagyl or Metronidazole.  The drug makes me nauseous so I take another pill for that.  I am not fond of drugs but at this point I will do it if it KILLS THE BEAST!!!  Gratefully, the abdominal pain has already come down.  This leads me to the good news:

  • One-point reduction in the 1-10 pain scale.
  • Less reactivity to noxious stimuli and pain that used to trigger seizure attacks.
  • Shorter episodes that are generally less violent.
  • One less episode most days at my most vulnerable times:  falling asleep or waking up.
  • Clearer thinking for some part of more days.
  • Less stress, fear, sadness, and anxiety.
  • Fewer headaches.
  • Less food sensitivities slightly expanding my food choices.
  • Increased ability to tolerate more supplements prescribed by my doctors per my test results.
  • Ability to work in the garden about once per week.
  • Ability to get to bed before midnight up to 3 nights per week.  (I often stay up late to avoid seizure attacks falling asleep.  Sometimes this has helped in the past.)
  • Movement in a better direction on several laboratory test and scan results.

The changes also appear to have been impacted positively by taking Low Dose Naltrexone.  Persons with autoimmunity diseases and fibromyalgia often use it to reduce a variety of symptoms.  I did not do well on a different dose in the past but I believe the Lord led me to do some research and prompt me to try it again at a lower dose.  This started the list of improvements noted above with the reduction in chronic muscle and joint pain.  Praise the Lord!  Treating the gut infection followed and here we are.

I am encouraged and hope you are as well, Gentle Reader.  Lord willing, I am going to get well!

If you are someone reading this who is struggling with severe illness, please let me know so I may pray for you.  And please don’t give up!  If I can make it through hours per day of head-banging, you can make it through what you are dealing with too.  You are not alone.  Keep trusting in the Lord to see you through each moment, to guide you and comfort you as only He can do so.  He promises to never leave us or forsake us and will always be near if we but call upon our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  He sees us on our bed of sickness.  He hears us.  And one day He will come again in glory for us, taking us to a place where there will be no more suffering or weeping.  He promised!

Thank you for following my journey dear one.  Take care, JJ