What is most important

What is most important?

This is a question that marks my days no matter what my state of mind or health.  Every day for as long as I can remember, I got up and set goals for my waking hours.  Even if I have to modify them over and over again before the day is done, I have a mental list of what I hope to do.  It’s just how I am wired.  Some things get written down and some do not.  Before long I meet with the Lord and we go over things.  Usually some changes follow!

Proverbs 16:9 New International Version (NIV)

In their hearts humans plan their course,
    but the Lord establishes their steps.

If I’m not sure what to do (when overwhelmed or facing a barrier of some sort) then I stop and ask the Lord about it.  He knows my situation in addition to the desires of my heart and usually answers in a way that draws me closer to Him.  Sometimes I am challenged in obeying His leading.  That is always a mistake.  Things always go better if I follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, usually to read my Bible or listen to Bible teaching.  The day that follows always goes better that way.

When we are battling an illness or caring for a loved one our personal resources are limited.  Additionally, we may never know when that reservoir of energy or cognitive capacity will run out so we must make our best guess and proceed accordingly.  Will new demands change everything?  It is really hard to be flexible when our hopes are dashed over and over again, less gets done, and we become overwhelmed. So we strive to keep our spirits high and go with the flow, right?  “Let go, let God” as the 12-Steppers teach? There is always tomorrow, right?

Plans changing repeatedly over the course of the day or night has dominated my past 5 years so much that I practically numb out when it happens again.  I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?  What follows for me is pursuing smaller and smaller tasks after answering the question:  what is most important?  Often what has happened next fits the category more of survival than enjoyable:  get that rescue remedy from the frig . . . I will help you walk to the kitchen . . . trust me and push yourself up to get your legs working again.  Don’t worry, you won’t fall.  I tell you, this principle of setting priorities gets REAL really fast when in a time of crisis!

That may be an extreme example for you, Gentle Reader, so I will just say this a different way.  We both will be o.k. if we set our plans before the throne of grace and let the Lord guide is in all things big and small.  He cares for the details of our lives.  As He orders our steps He also gives us the power to take those steps too.  What is most important always gets done this side of heaven.  We didn’t die because the bathrooms didn’t get cleaned or we had to eat canned meat for dinner!  Dwelling in the presence of my Savior is the best food, fitting for my soul anyways.  And that dwelling happens best when completely in the arms of our Heavenly Father who loves us so!

As my brother, Mike, has often said:  just keep moving forward.  Yup.  When I can I do.  And sometimes that means staying right where I am for a while.  Rest is important too ya know . . .  JJ

scripture, Bible, Christian, to do list, list, priorities, important, Proverbs 19:9

 

Not just another day

In this moment I feel quite normal.  I kissed my hubby goodnight as he drew me close for an extra snuggle before drifting off.  You would think that I would turn over and fall asleep near his warmth and care but that simply was not the case for yet another night . . . That is just not the way things go around here far too often . . .

How come the wretched hellish experiences of mine have become a normal occurrence around here?  Here’s what I mean:

  • Puzzling symptoms lead to medical appointments and tests, passage of time while I research answers, doctor visits for the results, the start of some new treatment, and (instead of relief) the exacerbation of the symptoms we were supposed to be curing!
  • Prescriptions, supplements, special diets, manual therapies, trial-and-error yield results that wax and wane in effectiveness until they are simply useless or make me worse.
  • Professional counseling determines that the origin of this serious illness is not psychological however the trauma of it brings sadness every time and sometimes even triggers memories of every and any bad situation I have ever endured.
  • My beloved’s rising to the cause of caregiving, from chores to feeding or assisting me to the toilet, eventually helps me recover just before he must either leave the house for work or retire for bed with his own case of exhaustion.
  • Expenses beyond belief take away tremendous resources intended for the future:  a time plagued with stress and uncertainty from not knowing when or if these troubles will ever end.
  • Hope can appear on the horizon as I make temporary progress or we discover new medical explanations for my suffering only to have that hope dashed, crushed, and covered with new diagnoses, new complications.

Today was not just another day.  I cannot tell you the grief that I experience after losing one more to continuous convulsive episodes.  This past weekend I missed the lovely snow softly falling outside our bedroom window:  our first major snowfall in the Midwest.  I didn’t get to delight in watching Steve cross-country skiing out our back door with the spirited Elle pup who LOVES the snow!  If I did get out of bed this evening it was with dangerous fright as my body shook, anxiety raged, and my mind calculated if I could do at least one simple task for myself before racing back to bed in a pile of screaming seizure attacks.  Those episodes with respective recovery periods totaled about 15 hours today alone.  Lord have mercy!

This is no where near normal.  Only by the prayers of fellow believers did I get through Friday with 3 different lab procedures, an IV infusion, a doctor appointment, lunch with a friend, mold avoidance procedures, and a trial of a new treatment remedy.  I collapsed into bed for almost 10 hours of sleep without any episodes then BOOM, the next 2 days were largely problematic.  One drop of a new remedy that may have eased my symptoms of Friday made me worse as Saturday turned into Sunday.  Somehow I did get some Christmas cards ready-to-go however!  Wow.  That is simply amazing.

Please forgive me that my tone is angry tonight.  I do not have words of encouragement, scripture to bring hope or any insight as to what the heck is going on with me.  There are new problems with which to contend.  Tonight I am in survival mode.  It’s 3:08 in the morning and I have to get things set up for my home infusion care tomorrow morning:  an expensive treatment of merit I seriously question.  Chronic Lyme disease?  Heavy metal toxicity?  Which one is it already?!  Maybe before I go to bed I will try to finish cleaning a bathroom that I started 2 hours ago?  Surely I will eat some more to try to restore the calories spent screaming and writhing in bed today . . .  At least my back is feeling some better though.  Hooray!

So here’s to Christmas cards getting together and less back pain.  I have a roof over my head and food in the frig to munch on shortly.  My beloved is sleeping soundly and welcomes my chilled feet on his warmed body when I will join him in an hour or so.  Well there ya go.  Some sweet signs of normalcy do exist after all amidst some sweet blessings too.

I just can’t stay upset very long with you listening Gentle Reader.  Thank you.  Here’s a cartoon for you.  You rock!  JJ

bedbugs

He’s Still on the Line

hold you tight

Long after my beloved is asleep

Devastated by unanswered prayers and sorrows so deep

I lie awake my body tossing, trembling

Such are the storms of night:  unending.

From wherest does my help come from

When prayers bring no relief with each day’s sun?

The hopes are dashed, the relief doesn’t last

And the damage, the pain continues no less.

So many nights where nightmares became reality

So much suffering sends off all memories of normalcy.

People leave your life even when they like you

For fear, for powerlessness, for horror of what is your truth.

New sojourners may come only to wallow awhile with you

Should you happen to find a way out they will be long gone too.

Choose wisely your inner circle my friend

Make sure the Lord is closest-in when the nightmare ends.

He will never leave:  His love will fill the gaps

Where others must fail, supernatural strength is what lasts.

You can call Him near, like a salve to the wounds of war

Then peace will come . . . you can carry on from there, dear one.

Now here’s a love song that reminds me of these times with my beloved Steve:  he holds me close while the Lord is still “on the line,” listening to our hearts and holding both of us near to His own.   From a simpler time:

Still on the Line