I shook for almost 3 hours in that clinic recliner chair after a treatment that was supposed to help me.
Why did the nurse wait to answer the call light when I finally figured out what I needed to do?
I couldn’t speak properly but had to go to the bathroom greatly, knowing it would require transport via wheelchair and considerable physical assistance.
Why do I have to risk the episode worsening as I attempt to blurt it all out and even help operate the dang chair?
My left arm and leg were too weak and unstable as they seized with the rest of me so pivoting on a leg opposite the grab bar was the only way to land on the toilet dontcha know?
Why do I have to keep repeating that initiation of speech or movement makes the convulsions worse then be forced in a situation to have to do both anyways?
Each jolt repeated hundreds of times that night made the headache spike while wrenching my neck, spine, low back but alas I could do nothing to stop it or change its course.
Why did not voiding alleviate the symptoms like it had so many times before?
The infusions of fluids were supposed to help me treat the dysautonomia they said and address the dehydration but instead pushed me deeper into an exacerbation of my worst symptoms.
Why did not both doctors return my calls about my care that week, that day?
My beloved rescued me, drove me home, and helped me start the decontamination procedures to minimize the influence of exposures that could make the episode persist. I feared falling in the shower after mumbling that I thought I could do it myself after he left.
Why do these heartaches keep happening to us?
I am still so very sick a year post IV antibiotics, genetic coaching, IV and compounded nutritional treatments, testing and treatments beyond that most experts would ever comprehend.
Why am I still at this level of strife FIVE YEARS down the road with no money for a big new direction, a possible cure?
The symptoms concerning me most recently are the ones where my cognition becomes dulled.
Why . . . How in the world will we figure this out if my mind goes dim now?
I place this need to know “why” at the foot of my Lord’s cross who crafted this journey for me and my beloved for this time in our lives. Thank you Jesus for Steve’s love. I surrender my questions, my suffering, the thorns in my flesh, and the weakening of my mind to Your mighty hand with trust o’ God of the universe Who reigns! Whether the battle is in the heavenlies or in my heart, my flesh, I let it all go to you now and ask for your covering my Jesus Christ.
God’s Word captures the submission of Job to the Lord in His time of suffering:
25 I know that my redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
26 And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
27 I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another. (Job 19)
2 “I know that you can do all things;
no purpose of yours can be thwarted.
3 You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand,
things too wonderful for me to know.
4 “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak;
I will question you,
and you shall answer me.’
5 My ears had heard of you
but now my eyes have seen you.
6 Therefore I despise myself
and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42)
Me too. I trust that You always see me. I will trust in you. JJ