I got to Walmart today

Days where I just exist

Give way to tears

More often than not

Everyday now.

Waiting no longer suits me

Although it is my garment

Worn through hopes dashed

Threadbare to no end.

I study like a school girl

Not sure where the letters lead

Thinking this is “it”

And it is not.

Surely it is darkest

Before the break of day

That is my hope I guess

And my Lord too.

So little do I do

As the grass grows tall

Alone too much too

At least I got to Walmart today!

Walmart, shower, Target, Meme, pajamas, old man, glasses

When there are no words

“Look up.  Look waaaaaay up,” were the words of The Friendly Giant in 1986.  This American children’s television host invited the viewer into his miniature living room where he pulled out a chair just for you by the fireplace.  Then an image of his fake leather boots appeared 10x the scale of the scene on the television as he invited little Sissy or young Bobby to follow the camera up to the smiling eyes waiting to tell a story, waiting to introduce you to a host of characters.  Rusty the Rooster was a silly-looking puppet yet their banter held my attention all the same.  Even though by 1986 I was not a kiddo anymore!

We often look up to see the wonder beyond us:  gazing at the twinkling stars so visible in the crisp Fall air or maybe oooing and ahhhing at the bright ornaments adorning the department store Christmas trees already on display before Thanksgiving.  There is something magical about a beautiful sight just beyond our gaze, just above our smaller human frame.  When that object is but ordinary the wonder may be less yet the opportunity to reflect may be just as profound too.

The ceiling above my bed of sickness holds much thought these days.  On a Monday I might see a simple popcorn ceiling in the same building contractor’s white paint of every home built that very year.  A few days later it may be the seam tape of the electrical lines painted to match the composite panel lining the roof of an aluminum travel trailer.  Two months ago it was a bright blue shade sail floating softly up, gently down above my patio chair when the weather was still sunny and warm.  Such simple forms that served to give me pause from the mayhem of the hours that dragged on before . . .

shade sail patio summer 2015

Times like these are best spent dwelling in the presence of the Lord.  No words fill my mind in those kind of moments.  The tears are already spent; the energy almost completely drained away.  Such is the aftermath of uncontrollable seizure attacks that plague my weakened frame day after night after day for hours without end.  The pattern continues despite new anti-microbial treatments, tests, consultations, prayer, tears, strategies new and old.  New pains come and find a way to stay.  There is nothing left to say.  There is nothing left to do but to dwell, I guess.

Even love can be like this I suppose when it hurts so bad and you still can’t seem to shake the pain away.  All you do is focus on the form that you knew or still know that stands in front of you when only a blank slate emptied of your future together remains.  Turn to the left, turn to the right, stand up, sit down, and unlike the cheer song at the football games in 1986, there is no fight!  Fight!  FIGHT!  when love goes away for good.  Oh how I long for the familiarity of the pains I had known long ago.  It would be so much easier to handle than the emptiness of my heart this night.  Yup.  The joy is gone!  Gone!  GONE!

So what’s a middle-aged gal to do in the middle of the night and there is nothing to look up to anymore?  When I have written more words from every angle that my heart can imagine and no new inspiration comes to fill the page, gosh, what will I do?  Not much, really.  Just wait I guess.  Tomorrow is a new day and it will be here before you know it.  Maybe something good will happen, eh?

In the meantime, won’t you hang in there with me?  Here, I have pulled up a chair for you too Gentle Reader.  The Friendly Giant is now known as Immanuel and has a special story to help us end this little time together.  It’s a great read for a bedtime story at any time of the day, I promise.

I do hope you enjoy it.  JJ

Psalm 121

Climb Every Mountain

This song came to mind with the burdens of late.  “Keep moving forward,” my brother used to say.  “Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding . . . ” we find in Proverbs 3:5-6.  And when I was a girl, it was the singing of Mother Superior in the Sound of Music that captured my spirit.  She begins with the instruction that, “we have to live the life we were born to live.”

Ah yes.  Now I shall praise my Lord Jesus Christ for bringing it to mind.  May the wonder of my youth, the life I was born to live be rekindled in my soul.  You too, Gentle Reader.  You too.  JJ

The Night Watch

Psalm, Psalm 42:8, fear at night, comfort at night, God is with me, in the night, joy comes in the morning, getting through the night, blog at nightAnd so the night watch begins

As my beloved tucks himself part way under the covers, the cool air circulates around him and our home.

He looks so peaceful as he collapses into bed,

Having worked the day long and again this evening to make things right with our world.

The pup slumbers on the floor behind me

With her own watchful eye as the big storm rumbles outside in the darkness;

Another night begins and I am hungry

The wretched episode and weathering inside my own body now behind me once again.

It’s a strange life, that is clear:

The promise of new treatments,
my meager attempts to go on . . .

Let me pretend I am doing something worthwhile

When my world stops shaking and I find you here, Gentle Reader, ready to make sense of it all.

Sometimes there is no sense to be made

We simply endure, do our due diligence to survive:

Touching something meaningful when the opportunity comes our way

Then letting it all go to the escape of sleep whether by night or by the dawn cometh soon.

Perhaps this night will bring fruitfulness

Maybe I’ll be able to write something of worth?

There is certainly much to do alone here with you as the keys light up and my mind slowly turns on;

My Lord is here with me so something good, something meaningful might happen yet this evening!

Since I cannot be sure but the time will pass anyways,

I better get something to eat before “dinner” slides into breakfast, hunger into weakness

Then maybe my brain will come back online too.  If this is to be my shift I better get to my assigned duties of late —

If I am to be awake, the most of it I shall make again and again.  Who knows, maybe something good may be too?

Yes, something good may be too.  JJ