The Sauna I Once Loved

Like an old lover that must fade into the background of new life

My sauna must go forth to its new owner, leaving me FIR behind.

She needs it to arrest the cancer in her own body and that of her Mom,

Imagine that: a generational curse that threatens the life between them.

I am happy to pass to them this box of promise, of hope

Bringing them much relief as the toxins melt away with the wavelengths of light.

As for me I am melancholy this day, this night

For I thought I would fare better for the investment therein.

The last of my inheritance was spent the year the Sunlighten entered our home

Hopeful with the promise of a cure from what all ailed me at the time: at first, it was great.

The warmth was undeniable especially on cold Indiana nights

When nothing else would do . . . no nothing else at all.

But did it help purge the alleged chronic Lyme embedded deep within

The bacterium, the viruses, the fungal creatures claimed on imperfect tests?

I may never know as the onslaught hath continued from the rigors of this life

From living in a fallen world hell-bent on our demise, our redemption one day for us all.

Just don’t see how this tool that I once loved, held so much promise

Is worth holding onto longer when all it collects is dust in our living room now.

So onto the next thing I shall be: from the consult of last week to the specialist to come

When in the meantime I know it’s the Lord that is my Great Physician and yours:

The object of my greatest love indeed.

SOLD!!!

He’s going to make it

My beloved is following his dream

To fly, fly away, up into the sky.

Tis nightfall before the test of his study

Everything in him has turned accordingly.

I knew from my past what to do

The helpmate must get behind her man.

Extra chores, some sacrifices and then

You will share the joy of your man realized.

For settling one’s fears yields a greater good

Don’t worry dear wife, he will share this with you.

Your life will be even better than ever, it’s true

Fall in love with his loves as you do him too.

The rewards will come naturally and exceed your dreams

Your own desires will be satisfied along the way too.

God’s plan is so good. Trust in it this night.

My beloved is going to become a private pilot

“Gooooo Steeeeve!” I love you!

UPDATE: And after rescheduling due to overcast skies, Steve became a private pilot on Tuesday, August 20, 2019. Congratulations my love! We celebrated with his first flight that Friday with my beloved as Pilot-in-Command and yours truly. Story to follow . . .

It’s just me, It’s just You

It’s just me Lord

Laying my burden at your feet of glory.

Tempted to pick it up again

To etch out stains left on my life, on my story.

Alas Your Word doth profess

You have it already in your plan:

The end, the redemption

The entire beginning from the end.

For the race is so hard

I admit day after day

When the lows speak loudest

And overshadow the sunnier ways.

It’s not as bad

I do proclaim overall

At least I can rest

And in the quiet, hear Your call.

What a gift to behold

Your goodness in so many forms

Let it not shadow under

These deviations from the norm.

For You know the score

The rise and fall of my failings, my pain

Holding my tears

Allowing me to rise out of bed once and again.

It’s just me in humanity

My weakness, shame, failings, doubt

Oh could You just take

My thorn, soon and forever pull it out?

Seems so simple

Yet I cry and too easily give in to worry

Will have to be You my Lord

Leading us onward, yes for Your glory.

When you search no more

Google and Google Scholar have gotten way too much traffic from me these past 8 years of battling serious illness. It’s time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Facebook has been my link to the world outside the comforting yet speechless walls of our home when there were no more folks to call on the phone. A recent relapse in convulsive episodes brings a state of mental fog afterwards. While not a true “post ictal” phase of an epileptic seizure, it is still a time when goal-directed activity (as I used to call it when working in my profession of occupational therapy) simply does not occur. Reading short phrases while lying in a passive state is about the best I can do. Well, except when my beloved is nearby and comforts me dearly. But I follow way too many disease-oriented groups on Facebook so spending time there is not really a break from life, a connection to the living, or even as entertaining as it once was. It’s time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Endless planning in my mind or on the calendar on my smart phone has increasingly become a source of frustration rather than relief or even hope. Focusing too much on the future brings tomorrow along too soon, robbing me of the gifts all around me in today. I simply don’t know when-or-if I will be a candidate for parathyroid surgery now that I have a diagnosis that explains so very much of what is wrong with my health. I simply have to wait for others to review my case and call me. Steve and I will adjust our schedules and lives accordingly. It’s time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Gardening has become both a hobby and source of identity when my role as an Occupational Therapist went away. I am grateful that a couple of months of better health in the spring allowed me to largely finish a rain garden project in my community as a Master Gardener. My volunteer work continues as the Assistant Editor of the quarterly publication, Canoe News (of the United States Canoe Association), and Editor of the monthly newsletter, Across the Fence (of the Master Gardeners of Purdue Extension, Allen County). Often these are difficult to get done; somehow with the Lord’s grace we do. But I am struggling to keep up with our own landscape that requires daily maintenance and some brute strength that is tough for me to do these days. The degenerative changes in my spine are not going to go away so what will I/we do about all of those flower and fruit and vegetable beds out there? Keep watering for now, pray about it, and realize that it’s probably time to spend less time there and more time dwelling in the presence of my Lord, Jesus Christ.

And so I shall.

Gee, suddenly I feel less stressed about things. Thank you Jesus. You care about these issues in my life and in those of the Gentle Readers out there too, holding every one in the palm of your hand, the love in your heart, with the promise of your return. Things will work out according to Your Divine plan for our lives. In this we can rest tonight.

And so we shall, eh?

The Trip That Wasn’t

The best plans with reservations and all

Lain ready for some last minute cooking, packing, and prep

We would camp in the rain in a humid State down south

And see my Dentist, my Aunt, and maybe a friend.

But as much as we tried to make it all happen

This trip was simply not meant to be this time around.

Ten days ago I got pneumonia and treatment began thereafter

Oral antibiotics then IV infusions of same

With more drugs than I care to mention to manage the symptoms.

I had forgotten since my last bout with same in 2009

Just how dangerous and devastating a lung infection can be.

So rather than risk infecting my Aunt with her own health issues,

And delay my own healing with the rigors of 4 day-long car rides

We won’t be going nor helping out my Aunt until much later instead.

This isn’t really a poem, just some prose to get it out of my head

I am exceedingly disappointed, confused, and not sure what to do instead.

Rest of course.  Try to get our home back in order from being away at the hospital each day

Let go of the questionable care from nurses who didn’t know or care that much about me

And rekindle the love with my River Bear who makes it all alright anyways.

How can one make sense of plans gone awry:  it just doesn’t seem right

Well my Lord’s already there, so in Him I will trust.  He’s had my back every other time!

JJ