I got to Walmart today

Days where I just exist

Give way to tears

More often than not

Everyday now.

Waiting no longer suits me

Although it is my garment

Worn through hopes dashed

Threadbare to no end.

I study like a school girl

Not sure where the letters lead

Thinking this is “it”

And it is not.

Surely it is darkest

Before the break of day

That is my hope I guess

And my Lord too.

So little do I do

As the grass grows tall

Alone too much too

At least I got to Walmart today!

Walmart, shower, Target, Meme, pajamas, old man, glasses

Temporary Stability at Last!

DSCF7494

Steve and Julie at Sunset Beach in Tarpon Springs, Florida, January 13, 2013

Looks like I’ll be staying at a local hotel for at least the next week now.  Whew.  Eight days or more in a row in one place, glory be to God!  Eight days in a row, that is, to get stronger since taking a turn for the better from a devastating neurotoxin illness complication of Lyme Disease.

After checking out the apartment options I could find in our town, a visit to my top pick this afternoon yielded another neurological collapse.  That rules out the apartment option altogether now.  Temporary displacement will need to be in a hotel-type of environment instead of an apartment or home with a history of water damage/chemical use.  Maybe someday I will become a human noxious mold or smell-o-meter.  Or maybe not!

I have not had this neurotoxin-type of collapse reaction since 1) touring a friend’s home last weekend who didn’t know he had mold in the basement or 2) since relocating from my home January 9th.  I must avoid these exposures for awhile if I am to get well.  Mold is dearth for me at this time.  Chemicals like carpet cleaners in a newly cleaned apartment that is closed up for the Winter is a close second!  Gratefully I recovered from the chemical/unknown toxin exposure today within 30 minutes and had a nice dinner out afterwards with my beloved husband, Steve.  He even had difficulty breathing in both the apartment and stairway up to the unit.  Geez.  All in a day.  How was your day today?  Sometimes I wonder how people tolerate so many chemicals in their living environments?  Then again, I’ll bet some of them pop a lot of pills and don’t even think about it.

I hope you gentle readers think about it!  I have lived using environmentally “clean” products most of the time for about 15 years now and never regret the extra expense or hassle.  Most everything a person needs is available at Walmart or similar Big Box Stores for just a little more money.  Baking soda is cheap at the warehouse discount stores and is a great bathroom cleaner!  With so much toxicity in our environment from pesticides to genetically modified foods and household chemicals, it’s worth it to reduce the load on our systems when we can!  May we never know what we prevent, no?

Sure miss my home, my husband’s sweet daughter Christina, and my dog, Elle.  I had fun tossing the ball for our pup in the backyard tonight then had to donn my respirator mask again to come back into the house.   My home!  Hopefully we will hear the verdict from the insurance company this week.  Hopefully they will cover the expense of restoring the mold damage from an incomplete clean-up from water damage they paid for in January of 2009.

Gratefully, the Lord has provided extra special support from three couples these past two weeks and we are humbled.  I’m sad it didn’t work out to stay with two of these fine families.  I’m sad that I am missing the casual “house time” with Steve as husband and wife.  We are together most nights; it’s just not the same.  Sometimes it feels like we are dating again with sweet reunions when we meet up again.  Maybe it’s time for some renewal five years into our marriage?  I do feel that being on my own more has strengthened my self confidence more quickly as I have needed to become quite independent when living at the hotel suite!  After all, I lived successfully as a healthcare professional in the Chicago suburbs before meeting Steve.  Flash forward six years and this serious illness zapped my confidence.  The restoration of my health has helped a lot:  I am so so blessed!

Things have happened so fast, recovering 65% from serious illness in a matter of days.  I have had to rely on Steve for so much for the prior 15 months since becoming ill October 11, 2011.  That’s getting fixed now and that is good.  I love being Steve’s wife, Steve Horney’s life partner.  I love being strong for him too, more of an equal partner.  (The kitchen floor desperately needs cleaning you know!)  We have had our long season of illness and it’s been an unimaginable strain at times.  However, never did I feel less loved.  Steve is my hero, my Jesus with skin on.  Like I’ve said in the past, he is my “knight in shining aluminum.”  (Now that’s another cool story!!!)  I’m looking forward to loving him, serving him even better now.

Temporary stability is a good thing.  In the end, it’s all we have, this moment in time when our feet are on the ground where we are sitting or standing, considering every good thing.  King Solomon lamented in Ecclesiastes that most of the stuff of life is meaningless in this vapor of life on Earth compared to eternity with the God of the Bible.  Hmmmm, I do believe in Jesus Christ as God and my Lord and Savior; hold out for the hope of heaven; and am glad to say that this moment in time is a good one!

I think I’m going to go find someone to hug.  Oh Stevers . . . .